He immediately turns and heads back to the bed. “Okay,” he says simply. He throws himself onto my bed and pulls the covers out from beneath him.
That was easy.
I walk back to the bed and lay down beside him. Neither of us places a pillow between us. Instead, I throw my arm over his chest and entwine my legs with his.
“Goodnight,” he says, brushing my hair back. He kisses my forehead and closes his eyes. I tuck my head against his chest and listen to the rhythm of his heart. After several minutes, his breathing and heart rate have both regulated and he’s sound asleep. I can’t feel my arm anymore, so I gently lift it off of him and quietly roll over. As soon as I get situated on my pillow, he slides his arm over my waist and his legs over mine. “I love you, Hope,” he mutters.
Um…
Breathe, Sky.
Just breathe.
It’s not that hard.
Take a breath.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to tell myself I did not just hear what I thought I heard. But he said it clear as day. And I honestly don’t know what breaks my heart more—the fact that he called me by someone else’s name, or the fact that he actually said love this time instead of live.
I attempt to talk myself down from rolling over and punching him in his damn face. He’s been drinking and he was half asleep when he said it. I can’t assume she really means something to him when it could have just been a dream. But…who the hell is Hope? And why does he love her?
I’m sweating because it’s hot under these covers, but I don’t want to take them off my head. I know if the door opens, it won’t matter if I have covers on or not, but I feel safer with them on anyway. I poke my fingers out and lift the piece of cover up that’s in front of my eyes. I look at the doorknob like I do every night.
Don’t turn. Don’t turn. Please, don’t turn.
It’s always so quiet in my room and I hate it. Sometimes I hear things that I think might be the doorknob turning and it makes my heart beat really hard and really fast. Right now, just staring at the doorknob is making my heart beat really hard and really fast, but I can’t stop staring at it. I don’t want it to turn. I don’t want that door to open, I don’t.
Everything is so quiet.
So quiet.
The doorknob doesn’t turn.
My heart stops beating so fast, because the doorknob never turns.
My eyes get really heavy and I finally close them.
I’m so glad that tonight’s not one of the nights that the doorknob turns.
It’s so quiet.
So quiet.
And then it’s not, because the doorknob turns.
“Sky.”
I’m so heavy. Everything is so heavy. I don’t like this feeling. There isn’t anything physically on my chest, but I feel a pressure unlike anything I’ve ever felt. And sadness. An overwhelming sadness is consuming me, and I have no idea why. My shoulders are shaking and there are sobs coming from somewhere in the room. Who’s crying?
Am I crying?
“Sky, wake up.”
I feel his arm around me. His cheek is pressed against mine and he’s behind me, holding me tightly against his chest. I grab his wrist and lift his arm off of me. I sit up on the bed and look around. It’s dark outside. I don’t get it. I’m crying.
He sits up beside me and turns me toward him, brushing at my eyes with his thumbs.
“You’re scaring me, babe.” He’s looking at me and he’s worried. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to regain control, because I have no idea what the hell is happening and I can’t breathe. I can hear myself crying and I can’t inhale a breath because of it.
I look at the clock on the nightstand and it says three. Things are starting to come back into focus now, but…why am I crying?
“Why are you crying, babe?” Holder asks. He pulls me to him and I let him. He feels safe. He feels like home when I’m wrapped up in him. He holds me and rubs my back, kissing the side of my head every now and then. He keeps saying, “Don’t worry,” over and over and he holds me for what feels like forever.
The weight gradually lifts off my chest, the sadness dissipates and I’m eventually no longer crying.
I’m scared though, because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Never in my life have I felt sadness this unbearable, so how could it feel so real from a dream?
“You okay?” he whispers.
I nod against his chest.
“What happened?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I guess it was a bad dream.”