“He threatened to return all of the Hermes clothes he bought for me.” She inhales deeply. “It was low. But I’ve moved past it.”
“Right,” I say with a smile. “Well you don’t need to worry. I’m not having sex with him.” Yet.
This should be the moment where I open up about my very first orgasm, where I share all the details. I’ve told them about these troubles before, so telling them about my success would be natural. But I keep that inside. Not just because it involves Ryke but because it feels attached to more things I can’t express to them anymore.
Night terrors. Sleeping.
I have no more pain medication, which means no more sluggish sleep for me.
I’ll be taking Ambien tonight, a pill that combats my insomnia but brings me to a dark realistic dream-state.
I’m nervous about screaming in the middle of the night, waking and worrying them. How do I explain myself?
Do I say: I can’t sleep at night because I think about the man who crawled into my room to snap pictures. I think about the paparazzi who’ve cornered me. I think about all the friends who hate me, scorned me and terrified me. I think about all the men who believe I’m Lily. And you’re the cause, big sis. You’re the reason I can’t sleep. If it wasn’t for your sex addiction, I’d be free. So fucking free.
You’ve hurt me.
I can’t say those words.
Not tonight.
Maybe not ever.
No one brings up Ryke again, but after one minute, Lily winces. “Ow. Don’t pinch,” she tells Rose.
“I didn’t,” Rose snaps. “Stop rubbing up against the rock.” And then Rose’s gaze drifts to me, and her eyes slowly grow.
“What?” I say. “I know you don’t like my haircut, Rose—”
“It’s not that,” Rose says softly. “Lily, get out of the water.”
“What?” Lily says, and then she follows Rose’s gaze. “Oh…shit.” Lily motions to my neck and then she turns and crawls onto the rock. The moment she does, I see, on Lily’s back, what Rose is internally freaking out about.
Leeches.
We’re swimming with leeches.
< 38 >
RYKE MEADOWS
I chug a water bottle after finishing my burger.
Lo tosses his dirty paper plate into the fire. No one mentions how long the girls have been, but with every pause in our switch of conversation, it’s the unspoken thing that’s said. We ate without them because none of us wanted to eat cold fucking food.
“Lily looks like she’s gaining more weight,” I tell Lo. She’s always really bony, naturally skinny and gangly, so it’s a good sign when she’s bigger. It means she’s getting healthy, not so consumed by her sex addiction.
“Her boobs are bigger,” Lo says, taking a sip of his water. He twists the cap, lost in thought for the hundredth time since the camping trip.
“Or Daisy’s are smaller,” I add.
Lo glares. “I shouldn’t even have to fucking say it.”
“What? That I shouldn’t be looking at her boobs? It’s not like there’s anything there,” I say the fucking truth, but I realize immediately that it sounds bad. I don’t need a girl to have big breasts in order to love her or find her attractive. None of that matters.
Connor arches his brow at me.
Yeah, this is exactly what he told me not to do. Fucking A.
Lo waves his plastic butter knife at me. “How many times in two years do I need to remind you not to talk about her boobs? Seriously? It’s fucking weird.”
Now I feel like shit. I keep reminding myself that she’s my girlfriend, but it’s really fucking hard when Lo is looking at me like I’m another Julian. “You were the one who brought up Lily’s tits. I didn’t say one fucking word about them until you did.”
Connor wraps aluminum foil over the plate of leftover burgers. “You just used a kindergarten argument,” Connor says. “The he did it first isn’t a good rebuttal.”
I swear they love to fucking gang up on me—probably because they know I can take it. “Thanks for the opinion, Cobalt.”
“Always,” he says. Then he checks his watch, glancing at the woods where the girls disappeared off to. It’s been a fucking long time. I start to worry about Daisy. I don’t know where she was taking Lily and Rose, but she could have easily climbed a tree and fallen off a branch. My heart plummets to my stomach.
And then Lo shoots off of the chair, tossing his water bottle on his seat. “I’m going to go find Lily.” He spoke the fucking unspoken words, and just like that we’re all standing, following Lo’s trail. We can leave the fire for a few minutes without putting it out.