I eyed him skeptically, unwilling to admit he was right. “Why do you think he loves me?”
He gave a wry smile. “I’m sure you’re an all-star in bed, Nay, but no guy is going to log the miles and time this guy has just to get laid. There has to be more to it.”
“Maybe,” I mumbled, since the memory of Jake’s I love you and the pang of loss were inextricably bound.
“And you love him, too. That’s clear. So, give him a chance.”
“It’s not that easy,” I protested.
“No, but it’s not that hard.” Aaron took a drink from his beer. “Just let him into your life.”
“I did let him in.”
Aaron cocked one eyebrow.
“I did!”
“Why haven’t we met him? He’s been to visit you a bunch of times, right? You don’t have that many close friends, Nay. Why haven’t you introduced us?”
He was right, of course. Jake had even asked if I’d wanted us to do something with my friends, but I’d always demurred.
“Okay, I get what you’re saying.”
“Now we’ve agreed I’m right, as I so often am, what are you going to do about it?”
I looked up at the ceiling and asked myself the same question.
To do: Figure out what the hell I want.
* * *
I mulled over my conversation with Aaron as I lay in bed later that night. I’d opened my text window twenty times to attempt a reply to Jake, but after how I’d acted, I needed to say something perfect. It had been days since he’d last messaged me, and everything I tapped out seemed insufficient. I checked flight times, wondering if a grand gesture, surprising him in North Carolina, would be better. But he traveled so often, I might show up to his doorstep only for him to be in Kansas City or Portland.
I took a deep breath and opened the text window again.
Naya: Hi.
Three dots blinked immediately. My heart somersaulted into my throat, and my stomach dropped. The wait felt interminable, and the dots disappeared and didn’t come back. After a few minutes, I couldn’t take the wait anymore. Maybe making him laugh would break the thick layer of ice.
Naya: Gladys, I hope this isn’t too awkward. Is Jake at your place?
Naya: Can you tell him I miss him?
Nothing. I refreshed the window, hoping to see the moving dots. He might be away from his phone. Maybe he’s trapped under something heavy. Maybe he’s on a date. I ran through every horrible scenario, and my anxiety was on ten. I refreshed the window again, tapping my fingers against the side of my phone, nerves on edge. Finally, the moving dots appeared on the screen, and I held my breath.
Jake: funny.
Jake: U miss me?
Naya: I do.
Jake: you suck at showing it
I winced. He’d never said anything so curt before, even during our fight.
Jake: soyour talking t me now?
He was always so precise, even when texting. The typos worried me.
Naya: Are you ok?
Jake: Do yU care?
Jake: I told you I love you andyou Stoppd talking to me
Jake: no NOt ok. drunk tnite tho.
Jake rarely had more than a drink or two, and I hadn’t seen him drunk since the first night we’d met.
Naya: Jake, I’m so sorry.
Jake: Fr what?
Jake: Ignring me fora week or for being so goddam scared
Jake: Its what you do. You gt scared then you run.
Naya: We should talk when you’re sober
Jake: Why? When i’m sober will you stil care more abt work than me?
Naya: I never cared more about work than you.
Jake: liar. Thats wht I get tho. I cared abt work too much to realise my wife was fuccking the neighbor
Jake: And I fell inlove too fast with the 1st woman I met
Jake: Tyson said slow dwn but nope, I was so sure, sosureyou were The fcking love of my life.
Naya: Jake, can we talk tomorrow? I don’t think you mean this.
Jake: I mean it. Just wouldn t say it to u sober
Jake: I told you I love youu and you said itwas jst sex. Do you know what that felt like? Like all iam to you is a hard dick?
Naya: You’re not. I’m so sorry for everything. We can fix this.
Jake: You mde it very clear you dont want to fix anything.
Jake: I get you got dealt a shitty hand, but Im a person. U cant just throw me away and pick me bck up latr whn u feel like it
Jake: Why do wmen think thats allowed?
Naya: Jake, please. Can we talk tomorrow?
Jake: No. I’m done tyring to talk toyou.
Jake: U ignored me fr a week lk I meant nothing. you said ur broken, but maybe you r just heartless.
My breathing stuttered and my stomach clenched at the biting words. He’s right. Regret swept through my body, and I clutched the phone. He had it right, and I replayed the argument, knowing how I’d flown off the handle. It hadn’t been about him or even the job; I’d felt unsteady again. But I was so screwed up, I’d just kept putting it on Jake, and he deserved so much more. I swiped my hand across my cheek and bit back a sob, moving my wet thumb over the screen of my phone. I should have typed I love you. I wanted to, but I couldn’t make my fingers move to form the three short words. It was too much, and maybe he was right.