“Yes, I wrote it.”
“Why?”
“You’re asking me why?” Her mouth hung open in disgust. “The Secu pulled my father out of work,” she whispered. “They questioned him about bringing bones home, accused him of stealing from the Party.”
“What?”
“Yes!” she gasped, whispering at the top of her lungs.
“Liliana, I told no one. I swear to you. Someone else must know you give bones to the dogs.”
“Really? And they saw that I had a real Coke too?”
I took a step back. “Someone saw us drinking the Coke?”
“Oh, please. Stop the act, Cristian. You make me sick.”
“Liliana, you’re wrong. I told no one.”
“I’m right. And I’m an idiot! You know why? Because I liked you.” Her breath hitched. “I really liked you. Oh, he’s so smart and interesting. We understand each other. You really had me fooled. How many other girls are you seeing for information?”
“I’m only seeing you. And not for information. I’m spending time with you because I like you. I’ve liked you for years. You know that. Lil—” I reached for her and she recoiled.
She stared at me and her eyes filled with tears. “How could you? Really, why, Cristian? I liked you so much. So much that now I hate you.”
She turned and fled.
My knees went slack. I stood, swaying, still clutching the note.
What had happened?
It had taken years to get close to Liliana.
And now she hated me. Yes.
But not as much as I hated myself.
33
TREIZECI ?I TREI
I hear them.
The clapping men.
Clapping.
The image is blurred and then I realize.
There’s a plastic bag over my head, cinched at the neck.
Where did it come from?
Breathe! shout the clapping men. Breathe! they chant in unison.
I tug at the bag. I tug at the band squeezing my neck. I look at them.
I can’t breathe. I can’t obey their command with a bag over my head. I’m losing air.
A swarm of black Dacias arrives, full of agents in leather coats.
Breathe! they yell from the windows of the cars. Breathe!
“I can’t,” I croak.
The sea of clapping men parts. A small man in a rumpled suit approaches.
“Leader,” I plead. “Help me.”
Ceau?escu raises his right hand as if to bless me. To save me.
He then turns his back and slices his palm through the air, conducting the chorus.
Breathe! . . . Breathe! . . . Breathe!
* * *
? ? ?
I woke up, choking. I stumbled out of the closet, straight to the bathroom, and threw up— Nothing.
34
TREIZECI ?I PATRU
The crossroads of reality and nightmare. My classmate who cracked—he had been there, trying to escape the suffocation that slithered and pulled tighter.
I didn’t want to be an informer.
But I didn’t want Bunu to die.
Double bind. That was the English term for it.
Luca spotted me the next day. “Cristian, this standoff between us, it’s stupid. Let’s talk,” he said. “You’re not okay.”
I stared at him with disgust. “Are you okay? You know how it is, don’t you, Luca?”
He gave a small nod and looked to his feet. He walked off.
Did Luca have it as bad as I did? Somehow, I doubted it. He looked well rested, probably still recognized himself in the mirror and in his nightmares. Probably didn’t spend nights on the bathroom floor. Even though I still hated Luca for getting me into this, a small part of me hoped he wasn’t suffering like I was.
The next day, I tried to approach Liliana at school. She wouldn’t look at me, purposely avoided me as if she knew exactly where I’d be. I tried to speak to her on the street.
“This is a misunderstanding. It’s not over,” I told her. “I’m not giving up.”
“Give up, Cristian,” she replied.
Starfish overheard and offered counsel. “Forget about her. Lots of girls talk about you. You have other options.”
I didn’t want other options. I wanted Liliana.
“I’m not giving up,” I told Starfish.
“Did you hear that?” I shouted up to the Reporters. “I’m not giving up.”
Deranged? Desperate? Who knows what people were whispering about me.
But Liliana, it had felt like she could read my mind. She had to know it wasn’t true. Yes, I was an informer. But I hadn’t informed on her. How could I explain?
After a few days, she no longer spent time outside, but I looked for her anyway.