“Don’t do this to yourself,” whispered my sister. “I’ve told you. You can’t trust Luca.”
But what did that mean for Liliana? She couldn’t trust me. She couldn’t trust Luca. Who would protect her?
My sister’s hand remained on my arm. “After Bunu, we need to be smart, Pui. Mama is not herself. She’s terrified the Secu will summon her. We need to be careful,” whispered Cici.
I nodded. She was right. Our parents were definitely not themselves. Our mother had gone silent like our father.
“What are you thinking?” asked my sister.
I so desperately wanted to tell her, to confess everything, but I couldn’t bear her disappointment. I had lost Bunu, Liliana, and Luca. I couldn’t lose Cici.
“What am I thinking? Nothing. And everything.” I shrugged. “Thanks for the sleeping coat.”
I left the balcony and shut myself in my closet. I no longer had my notebook to confess to. So instead, I wrote one of the entries from memory on the wall:
12 DECEMBER, 1989
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME?
A BOY WITH WINGS OF HOPE
STRAPPED TO HIS BACK
THAT NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO OPEN,
DENIED FOREVER KNOWING
WHAT HE COULD HAVE BECOME.
WHAT WE ALL COULD HAVE BECOME.
53
CINCIZECI ?I TREI
Paddle Hands was finished with me, I was certain.
But I was wrong. I was wrong about so many things.
That Saturday, Comrade Director gave a discreet nod, so after my usual waiting, I made my way to the host apartment. What approach would I take this time to burrow beneath his skin? Would I try to be friendly, talk about soccer, and worm my way in? Or would I be honest?
“My bunu’s dead.”
The words came out of my mouth faster and louder than they appeared in my head. Honest.
The agent looked up from the table.
“Close the door,” he instructed.
I entered the box of a room and closed the door. I did not sit. I was not told to.
The agent began fiddling with the paper stamp from his BT cigarette package, making a ring and slipping it on his pinky finger. Was that a nervous tic?
“I’m sorry about your grandfather.”
Sure he was. According to rumor, some of the Secu agents were orphans trained by the regime to fight for Ceau?escu or serve as his bodyguards. Were they the ones who beat Bunu? This guy couldn’t care about someone’s grandfather.
“Have a seat.”
I sat.
“How are you?”
I stared into my lap, thinking of everything that would bring tears. When my eyes moistened, I looked up at the agent. “I’m not . . . well.”
“That’s understandable.” He nodded. “Medicine was given to your grandfather. But I was told he was quite far gone and suffering severe mental disorders.”
Mental disorders? No. Bunu was mentally sharp until the very end.
Parasitism. That’s what they called it. People who opposed the regime were parasites and mentally ill. This idiot was calling Bunu a parasite. The irony.
“It’s not just my bunu. I can’t believe Nadia Com?neci fled the country. Will our soccer stars leave too?” I gave him my best innocent look.
“What? No. Have you visited the target?”
“He’s gone. Dan and his mother returned to New Jersey. He gave me a Christmas card.”
“What was in it?”
“A Christmas greeting.” I sighed and stared into my lap.
“Nothing inside the card? No gifts? No articles about Bruce Springsteen to cheer you up?”
?ahmat. Checkmate.
Yes, I had thought I was so smart. But suddenly, I was backed into a corner.
I didn’t raise my face. I didn’t raise my eyes. Just shook my head.
I had told the agent that the article Dan ripped out of the magazine was about American music. I never mentioned Springsteen.
Someone else must have.
If he realized his slip, he didn’t show it. Or maybe he wanted to emphasize he had the upper hand and knew everything. Even the contents of my closet.
My notebook. Did he know about my notebook? I fought to keep up the ruse, to act calm.
“The father’s desk. Were you able to note anything on it?” he asked.
“American newspapers and magazines with reports about freedom in other countries. Some file folders. The contents weren’t visible.”
“Did the target speak of his father’s work?”
“He said his father is staying in Romania for Christmas because a new ambassador just arrived.”
“Did he give his opinion on the new American ambassador?”