“Did you come here ’cause of him?” I ask, forcing myself not to shut down while we’re making progress in tolerance.
There’s this long beat of silence between us. His breath sounds shallow. On the screen, Tom Holland’s Spider-Man is giving an awkward speech at his aunt’s shelter.
For a second I’m afraid I crossed some kind of line and Cauler’s not gonna say anything else the rest of the night.
He swallows thickly, like he’s preparing himself for something.
“I got over my crush a long time ago, if that’s what you’re asking,” he says quietly. He holds his voice in the back of his throat as he adds, “Mr. Cicero’s like my second dad. When I told him I got scouted by Hartland, he basically wrote a thesis on why I should come here. Number one reason was Zero. Mr. Cicero thought it’d be easier if we were on the same team so he didn’t have to travel all over the place to see us play.”
I hear his words but my brain keeps short-circuiting, replaying that first sentence over and over again. Crush. Cauler had a crush on Zero. I mean, it could be nothing. Straight girls have their girl crushes; what’s to say a straight dude can’t have a dude crush?
Cauler’s done talking, but I have nothing to say in response. I stare at the computer screen without really seeing it. I’m thinking way too much into this. Cauler is my sworn enemy and would never reveal something to me that could hurt his chances of taking away my spot.
This awkward silence grows between us, to the point where I could cry with relief when my phone vibrates in the pocket of my shorts. It’s a notification about the picture I sent to Nova hours ago. I open my messages with her and say:
Mickey: Did you really just screenshot that
Nova: Eye candy purposes
Mickey: I could just
Yknow
Give him your number
He’s alot like me though i feel like
Just a lot taller
And a little less grouchy
Nova: You realize i love you right?
So being like you isn’t necessarily a turn off
But yes please
Slip me his number
I’m sending over Barbie’s number when Cauler says, “I can’t believe you’re on texting terms with Nova Vinter.”
I frown at my phone. I’m not about to explain my history with Nova again. Instead, I turn it on him. “What, you’re not friends with any of your exes?”
“That’s not what I meant. But yes, I am.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“She’s famous.”
“Y’know, some people would say the same about us, right?”
Cauler makes a face. “Hockey’s not popular enough to consider us famous.”
“Famous with hockey fans.”
“Barely counts.”
I roll my eyes and go back to messaging Nova. She’s in Australia for the week, on location for a show she’s guest-starring on. I kind of get why people are surprised by our friendship. I mean, she’s way out of my league. But I’ve seen her in all her worst, most embarrassing moments. We shared all our firsts together. I was there when she got the call that she’d landed the spread that got her where she is now. She almost strangled me to death with how tightly she hugged me.
I miss her. God, I miss her.
“He might come visit on spring break,” Cauler says.
“Hmm?”
“My ex I’m still friends with.”
I stop in the middle of my message to Nova. Did I hear that right? I mean, I wasn’t really paying attention, but I’m pretty sure he said he.
Is he, like, trying to come out to me right now?
There’s no way.
I turn my head and look at him. He just raises an eyebrow and waits for me to break the silence. I close my mouth and swallow, holding eye contact with him longer than I ever have before. “Are you…”
“Am I what, Mickey?”
The sound of my name in his voice is almost enough to make me jump him right here. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard him say my first name, and he makes it sound rough, seductive, infuriating.
“Are you gay?” I breathe. It feels wrong to ask it so bluntly. But I’m pretty sure he wants me to ask. He’s been leading this conversation here from the beginning.
His eyes rove over my face, hesitating over my lips before he meets my stare again. “What would you do if I said yes?”
There is no way.
No way he’d give me that kind of ammunition against him. No way he would ever look at me like that. Like if I leaned in just a little he’d kiss the living daylights out of me.