This is another thing that’s been happening. Cauler very obviously flirts with me, and I die inside while trying to act oblivious.
Mickey: Pfft
How
Jaysen: Lots of ways
My chest feels heavy. I shouldn’t lead him on. I should leave him on read, make it obvious this isn’t gonna happen. But I like it. I like him.
Mickey: you got pretty low standards then Jaysen: You sure about that?
What happened with the algebra midterm?
That guilty feeling is punched right out of my chest. I sit up in bed and look down at my phone, anxiety rising in my blood with a crackle of static. Dorian comes in from his shower, viciously scrubbing his hair with a towel. I try to keep my face as neutral as possible.
My midterm grades weren’t great. I mean, I’m still eligible, but they could be better. Way better. I ended up with a C in algebra, which I was not expecting at all. A C+ in biology, which would sting worse if I actually planned on staying and doing marine science. An A in Italian, naturally, and a D in college writing, leaving me at a 2.32. Barely hockey eligible, but safe for now.
I want to do better with the second half of the semester.
I also don’t want Cauler prying about it.
Mickey: What do you mean
Jaysen: Not trying to be like invasive or anything But I know you didn’t finish it
Mickey: Professor morris gave me a redo
I already got my ass chewed out by coach don’t worry “Dude,” Dorian says, and I startle a little. I almost forgot he came into the room. “Don’t ever be tempted to fill your science requirement with astronomy.” His textbook gives a heavy thud as he drops it on his desk.
“I’m in bio,” I say, staring at the three dots that show Cauler’s typing. “I thought you loved space.”
“I do. And I love this class. But there’s so many upperclassmen in there just to get the credit ’cause they thought it’d be easy and fun. It’s annoying.”
He props his head up with an elbow on the desk and hunches his shoulders over the textbook. I have never seen him this grouchy before.
“You okay?” I ask him.
“Fine. Just tired.”
There’s this pang of familiarity in my gut, but before I can really grasp it, my phone vibrates.
Jaysen: Not gonna lecture you. I’m just worried.
Would hate to see you not able to play next semester.
Mickey: Really?
Cause if I’m out that top slot is yours no contest
Jaysen: I don’t want no contest I wanna bring down the empire
Mickey: Dramatic
Jaysen: Tell that to whoever crowned your grandpa emperor all those years ago but really tho
you ok?
Mickey: I’m fine
I look at Dorian right as it sends. At the way he’s slumped at his desk, a hand clutching his own hair. Totally fine.
Mickey: It’s just
Hard sometimes
Jaysen: What is?
Mickey: Idk
Life? Living? The pursuit of happiness? Sure, I can open up to Cauler a little bit, but I can’t sit here and tell him I’m deeply depressed when I have it so much easier than him. I’m white. Hetero-passing. From a rich family. I have no right to complain to him about how hard life is.
Jaysen: Terzo.
I don’t answer. Just stare at my phone until it relocks itself, then stare at my reflection in the screen. Cauler’s not an asshole. Okay, not a complete asshole. I don’t think he’d be rude about it if I told him I was depressed. Still, it seems like too much.
So I take the conversation in a complete 180.
Mickey: Does zero know your gay
My heart pounds. This room is way too hot. I really hope I don’t mess this up.
Jaysen: Uhhh idk maybe?
I haven’t told him
But I don’t think I’m all that subtle why
My mouth is dry. I lick my lips and swallow hard.
Mickey: He just talks about us kissing a lot Like every time we argue
It’s like he equates hate with lust Was that too far? Of course that was too far. That’s my thing, not Zero’s.
Jaysen: Think it had something to do with ‘Your eyes are a nice color’
And
‘I like your dimples’
Mickey: I never said i liked them.
I pointed out their existence
Jaysen: Might also have to do with me grabbing your jersey all the time Guess that screams sexual tension
Mickey: Weird
I thought it screamed unbearable asshole
Jaysen: Glad someone gets it
Okay. I have successfully bantered with Jaysen Caulfield over text. Now what? Do I leave him on read? That shows control, right? Let him think it was just genuine confusion, simple curiosity that led me to ask that question. He’ll never suspect a thing.