Audrey blushed at his flattery. He didn’t seem the type to make a pass at every girl who walked by. His compliment felt genuine. “No boyfriend, I’m afraid. It turns out I’m hopeless at making small talk with earls and dukes—much to my mother’s dismay. As you may have guessed, Eve is the outgoing one and I’m the tagalong.”
“It’s the same with Louis and me. He plows forward and I follow in his wake. And the reason I haven’t asked you to dance is because I’m terrible at it.”
“I’m hopeless at dancing, too. Louis mentioned you have a longtime girlfriend back home?”
“Right. Linda.” He paused and Audrey waited for him to say more. Most people lit up with gushing smiles when asked about the person they loved. It seemed unusual that Robert didn’t. “Linda and I have been together since junior high school. Our parents are old friends. Everyone has always assumed we’d be married, someday.”
“You don’t seem too enthused by the idea. May I ask . . . are you in a situation similar to mine, needing to meet parental expectations?” He hesitated again, so Audrey quickly said, “I’m sorry. It’s rude of me to pry into your personal life.”
“No, no. It isn’t that. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that question. Even Louis, and he’s my best friend. Everyone just assumes that Linda and I will always be together . . . It’s what she wants, what our parents want . . .”
“But you aren’t sure.”
“I’ve never even kissed another girl. I used to see Arnie with a different girl every few minutes and I would wonder what it would be like to get to know someone else besides Linda. I once told her that I wanted to take a little break, and—I never told anyone else this—but she was almost suicidal. She said she didn’t want to live without me.”
“Robert, that’s no reason to—”
“I know, I know. But there was a lot more to it than that. You’re right—it’s that whole business of parental expectations. If we broke up, her family and mine would work overtime to make sure we got back together. I know that must make me sound weak-willed, but—”
“Not at all. I know exactly how it is. I’ve been trying all my life to please my parents, even at the cost of who I am and what I want. They’ve never been pleased with me, of course, but I continue to try. My mother died in the Blitz, but the funny thing is, I’m still not free. I find myself doing the things that would have pleased her and earned her approval. It’s the only thing I know. If this war ever ends, I’ll probably end up marrying the second son of some earl who I don’t love and who has nothing in common with me, and we’ll carry on with our separate, empty lives.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of with Linda. We want different things in life. When no one else is around and we try to talk about important things, we have nothing in common. She loves the country-club life, fancy clothes and cars, and I want more. I don’t really want to be a lawyer but that’s what’s expected of me. I’ll be the fourth generation to join our family’s law firm.”
“Why can’t we seem to speak up for ourselves and break free?”
“Because the pull of family is even stronger than the force of gravity. . . . I did manage to speak up once, and it bought me a reprieve of sorts. Linda wanted to get married before I went away to war. She wanted to have a baby in case anything happened to me. She was even making wedding plans, but I panicked. I just wasn’t sure. I don’t even know who I am or what I want out of life, so I’m certainly not ready to choose a wife and settle down. To be honest, I don’t even know if I love Linda. I’ve never experienced all those feelings of euphoria and rapture that people in the movies describe when they fall in love—have you?”
“Hardly! I rarely even like the men who are chosen for me.”
“Exactly. Linda seems like my parents’ choice, not mine. Of course, she was furious when I wouldn’t get engaged before I left for basic training, let alone married. Especially after Louis and Jean got married. But she didn’t want to break up with me, either. She writes me long letters with news from home and tells me how much she misses me and loves me. I never know what to write back. I would like to be able to share my thoughts about the war and all of the deep spiritual issues it raises—but I’ve never been able to talk about my faith with her. To Linda, Christianity is a tradition, a comforting ritual, but for me it has become much, much more—especially as I grapple with what I’ve seen and experienced over here. My faith—” He halted abruptly, a look of embarrassment flooding his face. “I’m sorry, Audrey. This is supposed to be an evening for fun and I’ve been yapping on and on about all these personal things—”