“But, the thing about the parents makes sense.”
“Sure, but that’s going to happen regardless, whenever we come out.”
Something about Zach’s face catches me off guard. “Okay, Zach,” I say. “One second you’re agreeing with David about waiting, and now you have a weird look on your face. I need to make sure we’re on the same page here before I drag you into something you don’t want to do.” Again.
“No, like I said, I’m okay with it.”
Right, but, yet again, being okay with something isn’t the same thing as wanting it. Why is it so impossible to get a handle on what Zach actually, truly wants? Why do I feel like I’m alone in making this choice, a choice that’s going to affect both of us? “Zach, if you’re not ready just yet, that’s fine. It’s one thing if Chorus is forcing us, but it’s another thing if you need time. Do you want to press pause on going public?”
“Honestly, I’m fine either way,” Zach says. “I’m just worried about all that stuff David said … I … if we screw everything up for Jon and Angel, I’ll never forgive myself. It’s not just about us. We should involve them.”
I shake my head in wonderment. “In case you haven’t noticed, they’re not exactly thriving right now, either. I think if we push back against Chorus it’ll help those two see we don’t have to just take everything they throw at us. And, hold on, what do you mean you’re fine either way?”
“I just don’t want to let you down. But I don’t want to let the band down, either.”
“Me?” I repeat. “It’s not just about me. And you coming out publicly or not is definitely not about me. What do you want?”
“For everyone to be happy.”
I try to process this. “So … you don’t want to come out?”
“Do you want me to?”
“No, no. You can’t do it for me. That’s too big a decision to make for someone else’s sake.”
“But you being happy will make me happy. So, I’ll do it.”
“Zach!”
“I’m telling you what I want!”
“No, you’re telling me what everyone else wants.” I’m trying to stay calm, but the fury from the meeting has simmered into a swamp of fear. It’s settled into the pit of my gut, and it’s pulling on me like quicksand. I feel like everything is about to collapse down and in. Because I know Zach is a people-pleaser. Sometimes, his kindness and thoughtfulness, the way he can read you and find just the right thing to say, is my favorite part about him.
But there’s a dark truth behind that. It’s not always easy to pinpoint exactly what matters to Zach, other than keeping the peace. And right now, that’s not good enough. He can’t just sit there and shrug and say “whatever.” Not about this. Not about us.
Us. A sudden thought hits me like a speeding train. Does Zach … want to be with me?
I insisted we talk after the kiss.
I asked him to be my boyfriend.
I suggested we tell the band about us.
It was all me.
Could it be possible he’s only with me because he thinks I want to be with him, and he feels swept along by the tide?
That’s a ridiculous thought, right? Total paranoia territory, now. Right?
But it’s possible.
This can’t go on. I need him to give his honest opinion, even if it’s contrary to mine, because at least then I’d know where we stand. It’s better than me making decisions for us that are quietly hurting him. The thought that maybe I somehow talked him into doing this with me, into being with me, and that he’s gone along with it this whole time because it was easier than saying no, is paralyzing.
But saying all of that is too terrifying. So, instead, I say, “I don’t understand why you’re being so passive about this. Be really clear with me, Zach. Do you want to come out now? Do you want to wait? Do you want to never come out?”
“It depends. This decision doesn’t just impact me. I want everyone to be happy, I guess.”
“That’s not an option.” I don’t mean for it to come out so harshly, but I’m starting to feel panicky. “Why can’t you ever think about yourself? Why does it always have to be about everyone else?”
“Well, maybe you should start thinking about everyone,” he snaps.
It’s the last thing I expect to hear. “What?”
“We’re a band. We make sacrifices for each other. Look at Jon and Angel. Like you said, they aren’t happy, either. But they’ve been putting up with it all for us.”