She smiles. “I’ll grab my keys.”
* * *
I have a whole thing planned.
First, Mom drove me to Penny’s apartment. I texted the situation to her, and she was on board, so now I’ve got a brand-new haircut I can’t stop looking at. It’s short and textured, with the front pressing down over my forehead. Penny is calling it a modern spin on emo, and she’s pretty confident it’s going to start a trend. If Chorus let the public see it, that is. Maybe they’ll ask me to keep it hidden until it grows out.
After the haircut, Mom and I drove to the airport and we both got on the next flight to LA. Once we landed I picked up a bouquet of flowers from a gas station near the airport, and they’re now sitting in the back seat of the car Mom rented. I ignored the voice telling me he might not like them, and that he might think it’s weird. Even if he does, I want to do this.
So I’m doing it.
Ruben knows I’m coming over to talk things through, but he doesn’t know I’m coming over for this. I might be making a mistake, but at least it’s my mistake. It’s a risk, sure, and I could fall flat on my ass in front of the guy I pretty much love, and I could’ve made Mom come all this way with me for no reason.
We reach Ruben’s house, and Mom parks. My instincts tell me to double check about this with her, to make sure this is okay, that it’s a good plan. But I’m sure about this. For better or worse, this is my idea, and I’m going to see it through.
“Wish me luck,” I say, as I grab the bouquet of flowers from the back seat.
It’s dark out, lit only by streetlights.
“You don’t need it. Just tell him you listened, it’s all he wants to hear.”
I step outside, and walk up to the front door. I ring the doorbell. My palms have gone really sweaty, slick against the plastic wrapping of the flowers. The door swings open, and I see it’s Veronica. She glances down at me, and for maybe the first time ever, I see her break into a tiny smile.
“Oh, Zach, hi,” she says. “Ruben didn’t tell me you were coming by, come in.”
Ruben appears at the end of the hallway. “It’s okay, Mom,” he says, sliding past her to stand in the doorway.
Crap. Crap crap crap.
He glances at the flowers as Veronica walks away, then back up at my face. “Holy shit, your hair.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it.”
We go inside, and I offer him the flowers. He takes them, then brings them to his nose. “These are nice.”
“They’re from a gas station,” I say, then wince. “I wanted to get you something nicer, but everywhere else was closed.”
My palms are seriously sweating now.
“Right,” he says. “So, you wanted to talk things through?”
“I do. I’m here to say that I’ve heard you, and I’m going to work on what you said. I know I’m too passive. But I don’t want to be anymore. I know what I want, and it’s you.”
“Okay, but what does that mean?”
“I want to be with you. To work through exactly this kind of thing, just, with you. And if you want to end things, that’s fine, and I’ll respect your decision. But I want to be with you more than anything else. All in. For the world to see. No more hiding. And, yes, ideally, I want to stay in the band, too. But if I can’t have both, then I pick you.”
He kicks at the ground. “That’s one hell of a speech.”
“I try. And listen, I am going to work on actually saying what I want. It’s not going to happen right away. It’ll take effort on my end. But I’m going to do it. Not to be with you, but because I need to. It’s what I want to do, and if you want to do it with me, that’s your decision.”
“So, what if I don’t?”
I falter. “Don’t what?”
“Want to do it with you. What would you do then?”
My voice is steady as I reply. “I’ve thought about it, and even if you don’t want to be with me, I’m still going to come out. I’ll never make it as a songwriter if I’m not allowed to write what I actually care about; I’ll always have one hand tied behind my back. And all that stuff I said about Saturday isn’t about Saturday. It’s about Geoff. I don’t want to leave the band, I love it, but I want to leave him. Maybe we can’t, I don’t know. But I do know it’s what I want.”
He drops the flowers to his side. “Wow. This is the first time I’ve actually known where you stood.”