“Mom, the thing is, I kind of like guys. I’m bi.”
“Oh.”
I know for the rest of my time on this earth I’m going to remember what she says next.
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“A while.”
“All right, wow. I had no idea.”
“Really?”
“Okay, maybe I had some idea. A few of my friends said it could be possible, but you never gave off a vibe to me. I had no clue.”
“But you have thought about it?”
“As much as any mom does.”
“Then why did you say you had no idea?”
“I thought you’d want to hear that.”
“Why would I want to hear that?”
“I don’t know, Zach. I wasn’t expecting to have this dropped on me right now. I’m exhausted.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. I just thought now would be a good time because…”
I don’t know how to finish this sentence, because I’m not even sure why I thought this was a good time. Clearly, I thought wrong.
“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay.” She tears up. “I feel like I’ve let you down. I don’t care about you being bi or gay or anything, I just wish you’d told me sooner. I could’ve helped you through this. Jesus, Zach, we’re not even in the same country.”
“I know. I think this is one of the things I needed to figure out on my own. Being overseas helped, I think.”
“Oh. But you know you could’ve talked to me at any point, though, right?” Her voice has an edge to it.
“Definitely.”
“How many people know?”
“Um, the band, and I had to tell Chorus, because it’s my job, you know?”
“Right.” She sniffs. “I’m sorry, this just reminds me of your dad. You’re so like him these days, it scares me sometimes.”
“How am I like Dad?”
“I thought I’d made it clear to both of you that you could talk to me about anything, but you both kept huge secrets from me, and I don’t know why.”
Whoa.
It sounds like she just equated me being bi with him cheating on her.
“Listen, Zach, I’m really tired and I’m worried I’m messing this up. So I think I’m going to go, can we talk about this later?”
“Sure, that’s fine.”
“I love you so much, you know that, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. We’ll talk later.”
“All right, bye.”
She hangs up.
That wasn’t how I was expecting it to go. At all. I sit still, totally numb.
I can’t believe she said I’m like Dad.
I didn’t even get to tell her about Ruben. Dating him is one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me. Maybe that’s for the best, though, given her reaction. Almost every article I read about coming out online mentions that it’s a bad idea to come out by introducing your parents to your partner. It’s better to tell them about your sexuality, and then talk about your partner once the dust has settled.
Suddenly, everything catches up to me, and my eyes fill with tears. I never thought she’d say I’m like Dad and mean it, but I guess she thinks that now. I’m just like him. Just another guy who kept things from her.
Ruben asked me to message him as soon as it was done, so I send him a text.
Hey, it’s done.
How’d it go?
Could’ve been better honestly.
Oh. Do you want to talk about it?
If you’re free, yeah.
A few moments later, I hear a knock on my door. I open it, and let Ruben in.
“So, it was rough?” he asks, as I close the door behind him.
“Yep.”
“Hey, have you been crying?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Oh, Zach.”
He moves in close, and hugs me. I squeeze him, gripping the soft material of his shirt. I don’t want to let him go.
“I’m so sorry it didn’t go the way you were hoping,” he says. “It’ll get better, I promise.”
“It’s okay.”
He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I look up into his eyes. There’s a sureness there. Something unflinching. “You know it’s okay if it’s not, right?”
I sniff, wipe my eyes, and shrug.
“Hey, look at me,” he says, putting a hand on my cheek. “I’m here for the tough stuff, too. This isn’t just about us hooking up. If you want that.”