At one point, I went into the house to use the bathroom, and as I was coming back through the kitchen, Winnie was coming in. “Hey,” she said, looking at me with concern. “Are you sure everything is okay?”
“I already said it was,” I snapped.
“I know, but you don’t seem like you’re having much fun.”
“Well, you don’t know me.”
Her expression went from worried to hurt. “Dex, I just—”
“Look, just because we fucked doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything. Leave me alone.” Hating myself, I shouldered by and went back outside.
When she came out a few minutes later, the color had drained from her face, and her nose looked a little pink, like maybe she’d been crying. She didn’t sit next to me like she had been before—instead she took a seat next to my sister and asked if she could hold the baby.
Furious and having only myself to blame, I slouched lower in my chair like a toddler in time-out and ignored everyone.
I was in such a shitty mood, I didn’t even stay as late as I could have, despite the fact that Naomi never sent a pestering text. Around four, I collected the girls, who complained about leaving and crabbed the whole way home, which only made me crankier. I yelled at them to stop fucking whining, which made Luna cry and Hallie give me the evil eye in the rearview mirror.
“You don’t have a ten anymore, Daddy. You have a one.”
Next to me, Winnie sat with her palms pressed together between her knees, totally silent. When we pulled up in my driveway, she barely waited before the car was in park before getting out. “Bye, girls,” she said, giving them a quick wave before going into her house.
“Is Winnie mad at us?” Luna asked tearfully.
“No. She’s mad at me.”
“Why?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I snapped before taking the edge off my tone. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I exhaled. “Please just go in the house and pack your bags.”
After returning the girls to Naomi—they gave me hugs goodbye I didn’t deserve—and telling them to have a good first day at school tomorrow, I went home and threw myself facedown on the couch. I had laundry to do and dishes to put away and bathrooms to clean, but I didn’t feel like doing any of it. I just wanted to stew in my anger and self-righteousness.
Because I was fucking right, wasn’t I? Bree was wrong, and I was right. It was like she’d erased all the horrible memories of what it was like every time he decided to show up in our lives. It was bad enough that we’d gone through it—why would she want to subject our children to the same bullshit? And what for? So they could learn they had a grandfather just to watch him die? What kind of stories were we supposed to tell about him?
Still . . . I know I shouldn’t have spoken to Winnie like that.
Hallie was right. I was an ogre.
Flopping onto my back, I draped an arm over my forehead. Every time I thought about the hurt expression on her face when I’d snapped at her, or her pink nose when she came outside and didn’t want to be near me, my chest caved. But apologies didn’t come easy to me—mostly I was the kind of guy who’d rather dig his heels in and claw at the dirt than admit he was wrong or at fault.
And really . . . was I all that wrong? What was so bad about what I’d said? It was the truth! It’s not like we were dating. But it reminded me of the guilt I felt after Naomi would accuse me of shutting down or pushing her away. “You make it painful to love you,” she’d say. “Why won’t you let me in?”
I scowled, the old resentment bleeding fresh. I’d never asked her to love me. This was why I was better off alone. I didn’t want to owe anyone an explanation or an apology. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s feelings. I couldn’t be trusted with them.
In the end, I lay there so long I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was dark, and I sat up, groggy and disoriented. Checking my phone, I discovered it was after nine o’clock. I also discovered I’d missed a call from my sister and a text from Justin asking if I was okay.
But I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Exhaling, I set my phone aside and rubbed my face with both hands. There was a gaping pit in my stomach, and my head was throbbing.
I turned off all the lights and went upstairs to bed.
Seventeen
Dex
I was prepared for Justin to grill me at work the next morning, but he didn’t. In fact, he said nothing to me at all, which made me feel even worse.