‘Good,’ he said, but he didn’t ask how long she had known she was pregnant or when the baby would be born. He was clearly still processing. ‘Are you going to let me in then?’ he asked instead.
They were still standing on the doorstep, she realised now, but first she took a step closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
‘God, am I glad to see you,’ she said into his collarbone as she breathed the familiar scent of his body deep into her lungs. He hugged her back, his wiry arms squeezing tightly around her so that she felt protected and safe. She had lived most of her life without any touch. Sometimes, she even wondered whether she had chosen her profession to make up for what was so lacking in the rest of her life – physical human contact. But he was here now, and things were going to be all right, or at least that was what the hug suggested.
They broke apart and he followed her up the stairs. She wanted to ask him about his trip, to try and keeps things normal, but the words wouldn’t come. She resisted the urge to turn and climb the stairs backwards so that she could watch his face.
Once in the flat she could finally look at him properly and concluded that his expression was bemused more than anything else.
‘A baby,’ he said. ‘Us. God. I mean . . . Well, God.’
Angie grinned back at him.
‘And how far gone are you?’
‘About fifteen weeks. It’s due in September.’
His eyes dropped to her stomach again, and she lifted her top to show him the small but distinct rounding.
‘I’ve never thought about being a dad,’ he said. His voice was wistful, as if this thought was genuinely occurring to him for the very first time. ‘It is mine, I assume,’ he added, but she could tell that he was joking. She punched him lightly on the arm.
‘And you’re happy with the whole single parent thing?’ he asked.
And there it was. His actual response to her news. Angie felt the security of his embrace, moments before, leaving her. It was a shock, but she wasn’t surprised, not really. Jax didn’t want security and a baby. She didn’t doubt that he loved her, but that was all there was.
‘Of course,’ she said, raising her chin a little higher. ‘I’m not expecting anything from you.’
‘Good,’ he continued, nodding. ‘Because I can’t give you more than we have now. You know the score, babe. It’s just not practical.’
‘I do know that,’ replied Angie. She could feel the little peephole of hope that she had allowed to open up inside her closing like a touched sea anemone, its tiny tentacles being sucked safely back inside. She was fine with this. She had known that if she decided to have the baby then it would be down to her. Jax might lend moral support from afar, might even contribute financially, but the day-to-day survival of the child would be down to her and her alone.
And she had been through it in her head a hundred times – she was totally confident in her own ability to not only rise to the challenge, but to shine. What she lacked in a role model she more than made up for in sheer determination to make a better job of it than her own mother had done.
‘But I want to be a part of its life,’ continued Jax. ‘I want it to know who its daddy is. Even though I’m not around much.’
Suddenly, all became clear to Angie. This was who she was in a relationship with. The level of commitment that he had been prepared to offer her was now being matched by what he would give to their child. And she had been prepared to put up with it. It had even suited her.
But no longer.
‘Well, let’s see how it goes, shall we?’ she said.
23
Maggie heard the news when she got home from work. There was a message on the answerphone, the little light blinking like a welcome beacon as she stepped into her hallway.
Quickly she hit play.
‘It’s me. I can’t talk for long. I’ve only got one 10p and the Nazi midwife won’t give me any change. Anyway, the baby has landed. It’s a girl. Seven pounds five. Cute as a button. Mother （that’s me!） and baby both doing well. Can you ring Leon? And Tiger is staying in my flat for a bit. Can you ring him too? No name yet. Please come and see us. They are going to keep me in for a couple of days and I’ll go out of my mind on my own. Bring decent food. The stuff in here is disgus . . .’ BEEP BEEP BEEP. ‘Got to go. Come tomorr . . .’
Then the line was cut.
Angie had had the baby and it was a girl! Maggie wrapped her arms tightly around her shoulders and gave herself a big squeeze, swaying from side to side as she thought about it. A tiny baby. Born and safe. It was perfect.