I look down at my hands and the thing I’m clutching between them.
It’s a funeral program. There’s a photograph of X’s face. The caption reads In loving memory: Xavier Darius Woods.
The date on it is ten months from now.
CHAPTER 49
Gone, Part 1
APPLAUSE ROARS AROUND us. Because of our kiss, there are hoots and hollers too.
I rip myself away from X.
He reaches for me. “Evie, what’s wrong?”
I back away and close my eyes against the confused hurt on his face when he realizes I’m running away from him.
Everything hurts. The air around me hurts.
I run and run until I’m gone from here. I run until I’m gone.
CHAPTER 50
Love and Its Opposite
I DON’T FEEL the wind through the open window of the cab. Or the soreness of my feet from my heels as I climb the stairs to my room. Or the throbbing of my scalp where my hair is pinned too tight. Or the scalding of the too-hot water against my skin. Or the slippery coolness of my sheets as I slide into bed. Or the warm tears on my face as I cry myself to sleep.
I don’t feel anything at all.
The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s death.
CHAPTER 51
Gone, Part 2
<Sunday, 3:31 PM>
X: Hey, where are you?
X: They’re about to announce the winner
X: Where are you?
X: Holy shit we won
< 4:05 PM>
X: Hey, been calling and calling
X: Why’d you take off like that?
X: You ok?
< 6:08 PM>
X: Give me a call
X: Please
X: Let me know you’re ok
Me: I’m here
Me: I’m fine
X: Just tried calling you
Me: I know
Me: I’m sorry. I can’t explain
X: What’s going on? Did I do something? Going too fast again?
X: I can slow down
Me: It’s not that
Me: I just don’t think this is going to work out
X: What’s not going to work out?
Me: Us
X: I don’t understand
X: You changed your mind about being together? About NY?
Me: Don’t change your life for me
X: I want to change my life for you
X: I know the thing with your parents messed up how you feel about love
X: But what we have between us is going to work out
Me: No it won’t
Me: I’m sorry
X: I don’t understand. Are we breaking up right now?
Me: I’m sorry
CHAPTER 52
Forgiveness
THE NEXT MORNING, Mom comes to my room and asks me for twenty minutes straight if I’m okay. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her that I am.
Of course, she’s right not to believe me. But I have no truth to tell her.
She says she tried to talk to me last night, but I was already asleep. She has a lot of questions: Why did I run away from the dance floor after X and I kissed? Did X hurt me?
I tell her he hasn’t hurt me.
I tell her it was a goodbye kiss, but she says it didn’t look like that to her. She says that to her, that kiss looked like hello.
I roll away from her and face the wall, wishing I were a stranger to her, to everyone. Right now, I don’t want to be known. I don’t want anyone to know anything about me at all.
I ask her to leave. Not in a mean way. But in a way that lets her know I need to be alone. She says okay, but not before making sure I know that she loves me.
Sometime later—maybe an hour, or maybe two, or maybe ten—I check my phone. Everyone has texted. Everyone has called.
Except X. Not that I expect him to. Not after I ran away from him. Not after I broke up with him over text. He doesn’t call, and I don’t want him to. It’s better for both of us this way.
Over our group chat I tell Martin, Sophie and Cassidy that I’m fine and I’ll see them at school.
When Martin texts separately, I tell him about my vision. I tell him X will die in ten months. I tell him I’m not ready to talk about it and I never will be.
I thank Maggie for her congratulations. I tell Dad I’m fine, totally fine.
Of all the texts, Fifi’s is the one that almost gets me to feel something: today I’m so proud of you. finally you dance with your heart.
* * *
——
Mom lets me stay home from school for two days. By Tuesday night, she tells me I need to go back and face whatever it is I’m avoiding. She promises me it’ll be better than staying home.
She turns out to be right. Going back to school keeps me busy. I tell Sophie and Cassidy that X and I had a fight and that we aren’t together anymore. They want to know the details, but they understand that I’m not ready to talk about it yet.