Someone must have indicated that sufficient time had lapsed because she began once more. As I looked down at the witness, it prickled through me, the strangeness of speaking her words for her, the wrongness of using this I that was hers and not mine, this word that was not sufficiently capacious.
I said: And then they left. They did not think me worth killing. I was nothing to them. My grief was nothing to them. They thought of me as entirely insignificant, a little girl, not even worth the bullet it would take to kill me.
The prosecutor nodded. His voice, when he spoke, was very gentle.
And was it your understanding that these men belonged to groups mobilized by the former president in the wake of the election?
Kees rose at once, Your Honor, the witness cannot be expected to make a judgment—
The witness interrupted and he fell silent. My breath caught as I watched her lean forward and speak into the microphone, her arms folded on the desk, her voice steady.
There was a slight delay and then the interpreter in the other booth said, and then I said, the tremble audible in my voice, unlike the voice of the other interpreter, unlike the voice of the witness herself, which remained steady and solid and strong: Yes. There is no doubt in my mind. I know exactly who these men were, and why they were there to kill us. I know exactly who ordered them to exterminate us all.
And as I spoke, I could not help it, my gaze went from the young woman to the former president. Who had no need for these layers of interpretation. Who sat bolt upright and did not move, and whose gaze was trained with utmost attention and care upon the witness.
14.
One week later, I saw Anton in a restaurant close to the Court. I had been taken out for lunch by Bettina. She did not usually socialize with her staff and I knew there had to be something she wished to discuss—likely my contract, and the question of whether I would or would not remain at the Court.
It was something that had begun to weigh upon me, more heavily by the day. Ever since the witness testimony, my time in the booth had become more difficult, and I had started to look at my colleagues differently. They no longer seemed like the well-adjusted individuals I had met upon my arrival, instead they were marked by alarming fissures, levels of dissociation that I did not think could be sustainable. And then there was the question of Adriaan, to which I had no real response. I did not know whether I wished to stay or not. But where would I go, if I were to leave? I was not yet able to envision an alternative. For this reason alone it was not a matter of small interest to me, whether or not the Court would extend my contract.
However, Bettina did not bring up the topic until the end of the meal, and because of this I spent the lunch in a state of some tension, enjoying my food less than I might have. The restaurant was Italian, an old apothecary that had been recently renovated. We were seated at a table close to the kitchen, from which I could observe the whole of the dining room. The restaurant was a popular venue for dates and special occasions, but as it was the middle of the day the tables were filled with business lunches. The Court was not in session that day, nonetheless I was surprised by Bettina’s leisurely manner, she ordered a starter and then a main. I thought once we had ordered she would explain to me the purpose of our excursion but she continued to make small talk, as the food arrived and then as we ate. The restaurant had been busy when we arrived but quickly emptied once the hour pushed past two, no one else was lingering over their meal in this way. Still Bettina did not broach the subject. It was only once the waiter asked if we wished to see the dessert menu and Bettina replied for both of us, only once we had ordered our desserts and coffees that she at last turned to me and said, There’s something I would like to discuss.
It was at that precise moment that Anton walked into the restaurant. He entered the dining room with the host, saying something that made the host laugh loudly, perhaps he was narrating one of his lengthy stories. The place had fallen quiet but now was vibrating with energy as the two men made their way across the empty dining room. They talked and gestured with enthusiasm, the host’s affection seemed genuine and I thought Anton must have been a regular. His limp was barely perceptible, he was far more energetic than he had been the previous week at Eline’s house and was clearly in better spirits. The host led him to a corner table. He sat down and set his cane to one side, then smoothed the cloth with his hands, the table was a prime one and he seemed pleased with the arrangement. The two men continued to exchange their raucous pleasantries before the host at last handed him the menu and departed. Anton lowered the menu and took out a pair of reading glasses, which he settled on the end of his—I now realized—extraordinarily large nose. How was it I hadn’t noticed it before? He picked up his phone and began tapping energetically at the screen before he set it down again. The reason I asked you to lunch, Bettina said, and I turned. She was looking at me peculiarly, she had come to a rather substantial pause. No doubt she was wondering why I was so distracted. The reason I asked you to lunch is because we would like to extend your contract and invite you to assume a permanent position here.