Suddenly I feel really bad. “Sorry. I didn’t think through how crazy this would seem to you. Why would you want to donate your sperm to anyone, right? It’s not like I could pay you more than a thousand dollars anyway.”
Josh chokes on another cough. “You were going to pay me?” he asks incredulously. Actually, he looks really offended.
I try to play it off. “It’s no big deal. The going rate is fifty dollars, but I figured you needed the money since you’re living with your dad again.”
I take a step back at the glower on his face.
“I’m not living with my dad. My apartment is under construction. It’s temporary.”
“Oh. That’s good. I’m glad you have a place in…”
He scowls at me. “In Williamsburg.”
I imagine the kind of place Josh would be able to afford on his web comic proceeds. It’s a crumbly brick warehouse with rusty pipes and drafty walls. I picture a mattress on the floor, a desk with an old computer and a flickering lightbulb with a pull chain.
“Sounds nice.”
“Is that all you wanted to ask me? The sperm thing?” He moves to the edge of the bed, like he’s ready to head downstairs.
“Yeah. Yeah that was all.”
He nods and stands up. My childhood bedroom, decked out in pink fabric, teen heartthrob posters, and white furniture, suddenly seems incredibly small. There’s only a foot between Josh and me. He’s a half a foot taller than I am and has wide shoulders. I check the urge to take a step back.
“Alright then.”
“So, it’s a no?” I ask. I feel incredibly, horribly, insanely stupid, but hey, like Ian says, success is ninety-nine percent perseverance.
“It’s a no.” Josh gives a firm, final nod. “I’m not some horse you can put out to stud. I’m kind of surprised, Gem. I never thought you viewed people like objects that you can use. I thought better of you. I’m a person, you know?”
Oh.
Ouch.
That hurt. And honestly, I’m mortified, so I lash out. “I didn’t think it’d be that big a deal to you. You already made a sperm donation once. I didn’t think it’d be a big thing for you to do it again.”
He looks at me and his eyes go dark with emotion. He shakes his head and my skin itches with embarrassment.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” he says.
And the way he says it reminds me of Greg Butkis, and how he said no to the idea of me as well. And it reminds me of Mort, and all the Mort-like guys before him.
“It’s alright,” I say. I put my chin up. “Sorry I bothered you.”
Josh lifts his hand, extends it to span the foot between us. His fingers hover an inch above my arm. I shiver at the heat coming off of him. Then, he shakes off whatever he’s thinking and pulls away.
“I won’t say anything to anyone. You don’t have to worry. You can tell your family when you’re ready.”
“Thank you.” Then to make myself feel better I say, “No worries, Josh. Each of us steers our own ship of destiny by following the stars in our heart.”
Josh’s shoulders stiffen, then he turns and walks out the door, shutting it quietly behind him.
5
All the party guests are gathered in the living room. It’s time for the official New Year’s resolution roundup.
Sasha and Colin walk through the room handing out slips of paper and pencils.
Josh is across the room chatting with Dylan. Josh hasn’t looked at me once since I came downstairs in my leggings and sweater. I mean, we don’t usually look at each other, but this time it feels like he’s purposely not looking. I didn’t realize it before, but there’s a big difference between not looking at someone and purposely not looking at someone. It’s like I can feel his total attention even though he hasn’t turned my way.
I guess the benefit of him not watching me is that I can look at him without him noticing. That way I can spend minutes rehashing our conversation with could-have-saids and should-have-saids while I wait for Sasha to give me a pencil and paper.
While I’m watching, Greg Butkis sidles over to Dylan and Josh and cracks a joke. I can’t hear it, but Greg must think it’s funny because he’s laughing, gesturing at his chest and pointing at me.
Ah.
He’s making a joke about me and my barbecue boobs.
I look at Josh to see if he’s smiles or laughs. I imagine he might. After all, I did just embarrass him by asking for his sperm.
But wait. I tilt my head. Josh looks mad, really mad. He says something to Greg which makes Greg stop laughing and scuttle away, back to his mom. Dylan slaps Josh on the back in a bro-buddy gesture.