I cover my mouth with my hand. Because my mom knows about New Year’s and Mort and all of that mortification. She saw and she’s telling me, in her own way, that she’s on my side.
I look out over the living room with a wide smile on my face.
At that moment, Josh looks up and meets my eyes.
My smile falters. I hope he’s okay.
I mean, how can he be?
But I hope he’ll be okay.
He says something to Father Gibbly and then starts to walk my way.
I twist my hands together and wait for him to reach me.
“Hey,” I say.
He smiles. “Thanks for coming.”
“Of course I came. Look at all the people that are here. So many people cared—”
“I meant last night.”
Heat prickles over my skin as I remember the feel of his warm chest.
“Are you staying in town tonight?”
I shake my head but my chest pinches with disappointment. I wish I could stay. “I have to work tomorrow. And I have a lot of things to take care of in the city. Are you…are you staying up here?”
He nods. “For a bit.”
He doesn’t say anything more and my stomach drops.
“Oh…” I pause and look around the living room. At all the people in black and all the flowers brought back from the service. “Do you think…will I see you soon?”
Josh studies me, as if he’s trying to read a code that he doesn’t have the key to. So, I say, “I’d like to see you.”
Josh closes his eyes for a moment, then he peers at me.
I shift in my heels and say, “Thank you for the comic you drew. It was beautiful. You can’t know how much it meant to me.”
He nods and starts to say something, but then one of his dad’s friends comes over to give Josh his condolences and in seconds Josh is surrounded by a group of people that doesn’t thin up for more than an hour.
At that point in time, I have to head out if I’m going to make the last train to the city.
Josh looks at me through the crowd around him and gives me a half-smile. I hold up my hand and wave to him.
He really, really isn’t anything at all like I believed.
When the taxi pulls up to the house I say goodbye to my mom, dad, sister and brother.
As I’m walking down the drive, the front door opens. I turn back and watch Josh jog toward me.
“What is it?” I ask, my heart in my throat.
He isn’t wearing a coat. Tiny snowflakes fall around him.
“I wanted to say goodbye,” he says.
“Oh. Okay. Goodbye.”
“Bye, Gemma.”
My heart falls from my throat to the sidewalk. You know what, there is no if, and, or but about it. I love Josh Lewenthal. I love him, really, truly love him. And for someone who isn’t sure how she feels about love, that’s a really awkward position to be in.
For all my realizations, I’m still as scared as ever.
“I probably won’t see you for a while,” he says.
“What? Why?”
He shrugs. Snowflakes dust his hair and his eyelashes. The taxi honks at me. I look over and hold up my finger in the “one minute” sign.
“I have to take care of my dad’s estate. Then I’m going on tour.”
“Tour?”
“To Europe. For conventions, signings, that sort of thing.” He shrugs again.
I stare at him, unable to comprehend that Josh won’t be around. He’s always here. He’s always around. I don’t know what to say, I have no idea what to say to this. There are things I’d like to say, “don’t go,” “take me with you,” “you can’t leave,” and “what about us” chief among them. But instead I say, “Wow. That’s a big deal. Congratulations.”
He gives me his smile, the life’s-my-playground one, but this time I see past it.
Then he brushes my jaw with his fingers and leaves a trail of melted snowflakes.
“I’ll miss you,” he says.
I’m taken back to the time in my parents’ garage when he told me he’d miss we while he was away at college and then I didn’t see him again for six years.
“I’ll miss you too,” I say and my voice breaks.
He said, “I’ll miss you.” She said, “I’ll miss you too.”
The taxi honks again. I look at it, then at my watch. I have to go.
But instead of rushing to the taxi I wrap my arms around Josh and hold him in a tight, swift hug. And as I squeeze him through my winter coat I try to convey what I can’t quite say, thank you, I love you, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry I’m afraid, I love you.