Not that she could admit any of it to Elspeth. Elspeth wouldn’t understand. She knows her mother prefers girls. She remembers only too well how her mother had sent back little Tommy, a boy she was going to adopt before Kathryn because he’d been ‘too naughty’。
‘Did Grandma ask after us?’ Jacob asks from the front passenger seat.
‘Of course. Always,’ she lies. The sad truth is, Elspeth doesn’t give a shit about her grandsons. Kathryn worked that out years ago. She remembers visiting her mother with a newborn Jacob, a beautiful chubby baby with big brown eyes and apple cheeks. Elspeth had looked faintly disgusted when Kathryn handed him to her, as though he was some mangy animal that smelt. She’d swiftly returned him to her with a rictus smile, and Kathryn had been so hurt she’d gone home and cried. Throughout Kathryn’s second pregnancy she could see how hopeful her mother was that she’d have a little girl. Every time Kathryn saw her Elspeth had announced that she was carrying this baby differently. Comments like ‘Your bump is all around the side and you’re looking swollen. I think it’s a girl,’ or ‘You’ve not been nearly as sick this time. Have you noticed?’ And when she gave birth to Harry her feelings had oscillated wildly. On one hand she knew that if she’d given her mother that much-wanted granddaughter she’d lose all control and Elspeth would take over, but on the other a granddaughter might have made her mother love Kathryn more.
‘I haven’t seen her in months.’ Jacob’s voice brings her back to the present.
Kathryn tries to hide her surprise. ‘Do you want to see her?’
He grunts. ‘Not particularly. She never asks me questions. Not like Nanny Mols.’ Nanny Mols – Molly – is Ed’s mum, a lovely, plump-cheeked, smiley lady who dotes on Ed, as well as her only grandchildren.
‘I think Grandma has a lot on her mind. And she’s older than Nanny Mols, remember. I wouldn’t take it personally. Grandma is like that with everyone.’
‘I’m not taking it personally,’ he snaps, and Kathryn wants to kick herself for saying the wrong thing. Again.
She wants to scream at him. To tell him to be thankful for the home he has, for the life he’s got. You could have had a childhood like mine, she’s tempted to say. A mother overdosing in front of you. Being pushed from pillar to post. And then finally finding a family only to discover they have their own demons and dark secrets. But she doesn’t say any of this, of course. She bites her lip and they drive the rest of the way in silence.
20
The Cuckoo, October 1983
It was 31 October. Viola’s thirteenth birthday.
Katy thought it was apt that Viola should have her birthday on Halloween. In the three months she’d been living under the same roof as her sister, she had come to realize that something very dark lurked behind Viola’s beautiful veneer.
She had done everything in her power to make friends with Viola, not least because she knew that was what Elspeth expected, and she had vowed to do whatever her new mother wanted to avoid being sent back to the home, like Tommy. She’d hated it there. Nothing in the home had belonged to her – everything was shared: the TV, the tatty second-hand toys in the playroom. Worse than that, there was no love. She even let Elspeth call her by her full name, Kathryn, when nobody else did. ‘I don’t like to shorten names, darling girl,’ she’d said, wrinkling her nose.
Once when passing the sitting room she overheard Elspeth talking in a low voice to Huw about how she’d assumed adopting a girl would help Viola become a ‘nicer person and less spoilt’。 Her voice had been filled with disappointment, which terrified Katy. Would they send her back if Viola didn’t like her?
Her new bedroom was supposed to be across the landing from Viola’s but her sister had made such a fuss that, in the end, to appease her, Elspeth had said Katy could live in the attic.
‘I’ll decorate it for you however you like,’ promised Elspeth, her blue eyes silently pleading with her not to make a fuss. Which Katy would never do. She was there to make Elspeth happy. And it was clear Viola made her mother very unhappy. Viola seemed to make it her mission to behave as appallingly to her parents as possible. ‘You can have your own bathroom and everything.’
‘As long as she’s not sleeping anywhere near me, I don’t care,’ snapped Viola, her eyes blazing. ‘I don’t want to catch her fleas.’
Elspeth had screamed at her, told her she was spoilt and selfish, while Huw looked on with a worried expression on his usually benign face. ‘Now hang on a minute, Elspeth, that’s a bit harsh,’ he said, as Viola pushed past them on the landing and ran crying to her bedroom. Katy was pleased that Elspeth had stood up for her while Huw did nothing. He was like a big bear that always seemed to get in the way and Elspeth was always snapping at him, as if she found his presence particularly irritating. He was too laid back. He should be telling Viola off for being rude instead of accusing Elspeth of being harsh. She could see why Viola was so spoilt with a father like him.