She stands outside the bedroom door while her heart slows, hairbrush in hand. She shouldn’t have erupted at Ed like that. He tries his best and he’s put up with her leaving him with the kids every Saturday for the last two and a half years. She contemplates going back in to apologize but then she remembers the mess the kitchen was in when she got home from work last night and decides against it.
She wonders when her marriage started to become so … stale. Was it when Matilde arrived or before that? It wasn’t the boys. No, funnily enough when the boys were born it brought them closer together, cemented them as a family. She’d never felt so loved as she did when she held baby Jacob in her arms and he’d look up at her with his big brown trusting eyes or grab hold of her hair with his little fist. It was hard, especially when she discovered Elspeth would be no help, but she’d felt Jacob, Ed and her were a team, a little family unit. For the first time in her life she felt like she belonged. Properly belonged. Not a cuckoo but a mother, the most important role she’ll ever have in life. And later, when Harry was born, he slotted perfectly into their lives, the cherry on top of her lovely big cake. Was there a tiny little part of her that had wanted a girl? Perhaps, but she was happy with her boys even if it was obvious her mother wasn’t.
Kathryn pulls up outside Elspeth’s house and tries to swallow the guilt and hurt she feels at leaving her boys again at the weekend just so she can play her role as dutiful daughter. Would she be doing all this if she didn’t desperately need the inheritance? Ed is on a decent wage, yet they still find it hard to make ends meet, with a large mortgage and credit-card debts. And even though her mother pays the school fees the extras all fall to Kathryn: the ridiculously expensive uniform and the foreign trips. And she hasn’t taken a wage from the gallery in months because it’s making a loss, which she’s going to have to admit to her mother now she wants to see the books. Another thing that will be Kathryn’s fault, no doubt.
It’s a crisp spring morning, and despite the blue sky, there’s a cold breeze in the air. It’s only seven. She’s running late, thanks to her argument with Ed. On the days she doesn’t stay over, her mother likes her to arrive at six thirty as that’s when she gets up. She stands in front of the house with her overnight bag and her heart sinks. She’d rather be in bed next to Ed’s warm, reassuring body. She hasn’t had a lie-in for as long as she can remember.
The neighbour’s black cat brushes against her legs and she bends down to stroke it. His name is Barney and he reminds her of Mittens. She feels a pang in her heart at the thought of the little cat she had loved so much, even after all this time. For years afterwards Kathryn searched for that cat whenever she was outside, or a passenger in the car, hoping to catch sight of her bushy tail or her white paws, but she never found her.
The house is silent when she lets herself in. She suspects Willow is still asleep. She takes off her shoes and runs upstairs to her mother’s room. She’s still in bed although her eyes are open and she’s staring at the ceiling. She turns to Kathryn standing in the doorway. ‘About time. I’ve been awake for ages.’
‘You could get yourself out of bed, Mother. You’re not an invalid,’ Kathryn says, trying to keep the irritation out of her voice.
‘I’ve been plagued with migraines this week.’ She places a palm to her forehead to illustrate the point. ‘I feel very woozy.’
‘Maybe I should call a doctor.’
‘You know I hate doctors.’
Kathryn bites back a retort as she helps Elspeth wash and dress. When they go down to breakfast Aggie is already there, bustling around the kitchen, mashing avocado and spooning it onto toast. It’s too early for Kathryn to eat, but she nibbles at the toast while Elspeth and Aggie chat away inanely to each other.
‘This was Una’s favourite breakfast,’ says Elspeth, out of the blue. It’s the first time Kathryn has heard her mother mention Una for weeks. ‘She was such a lovely girl, wasn’t she, Aggie? So pretty, so sweet. And so talented. She was helping me crochet that blanket. My hands aren’t as agile as they once were.’
That fucking blanket. Kathryn hadn’t heard the end of it: ‘Una has such a delicate touch, she’s so talented and kind,’ her mother had cooed at the time. When Una died, Kathryn had taken the half-finished blanket and stuffed it into the back of her wardrobe. Her mother hasn’t mentioned it until now.
‘It’s so sad what happened to her.’ As Elspeth says it she darts a look at Kathryn. She knows exactly what she’s doing, thinks Kathryn. She’s trying to wind me up, make me jealous, and I’m not going to bite. It was what she had done with Viola when they were young. Not at first. But when her mother realized they were never going to get along she’d enjoyed playing them off against each other, wanting each girl to fight for her approval, especially after Huw died. Most of the time it just made Viola rebel. But not always.