I met Sam’s eyes in the darkness, the light from the remaining lanterns sending shadows flickering across the contours of his features. Despite the chill of the night, a heat burnt where his gaze held mine. I hadn’t noticed that the rain had stopped when he carried me, because he’d opened his jacket, so that I was pressed up tight against his jumper, my face nestled in the crook of his neck. Feeling the warmth of his chest, I had felt utterly secure in his arms.
‘I am so sorry. For ruining your party.’
I smiled.
‘I forgive you,’ I said. ‘Although I am wondering if we’re still friends. Not that I don’t want to be,’ I added hastily, when Sam started to protest. ‘But ever since we danced, and then I said that I only want to be friends, you’ve acted as if you don’t want to be. It made me question whether you were only ever interested in more, and now you don’t think there’s any point in us hanging out together.’
Sam was silent for a long time. A prickle of fear slid slowly down my back, as I speculated on what could possibly be so awful that it was taking him this long to come out with it.
‘You’re right,’ he said abruptly, causing my heart to plummet. ‘I don’t want to be friends with you.’ He stopped, running an agitated hand through his hair. ‘The more time we’ve spent together, the more I’ve realised that I can’t be friends with you.’
‘Right.’
Well. This was not the happy ending to my birthday I’d been hoping for. Was it too late to knock on Leon’s door?
‘I also…’ He cleared his throat. I almost interrupted to tell him that I really didn’t need to hear the ‘also’， but he carried on before I could.
‘To be clear, I also never wanted a – how did you put it? – a casual fling with you.’
Okay. Good to know.
Sam shuffled his chair around so that he was facing me, and it was about the most excruciating moment of my life. If my ankle hadn’t been so sore, I’d have kicked back the chair and scuttled inside, never to emerge again.
‘My feelings for you couldn’t be more serious.’
What?
What?!
‘As soon as you told me about that list, I wanted to be the person who shared your dreams with you. Made your dreams come true. I tried to pretend we could just be friends, but for the first time in years I’ve started thinking about dreams of my own. To be honest, I’ve driven myself half-crazy dreaming about you. I was irrationally fuming that I’d not met you in time, so you’d ended up starting the thing without me. In the end I didn’t say anything, not because I was unsure if I wanted to be with you. I held back because I was scared that I couldn’t be the Dream Man you deserved. The one you wanted. Last time I tried to be the answer to someone’s dreams, I ended up destroying everything. Plus…’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘That No-Man Mandate. I was trying to be respectful, until you looked up at me when we were dancing and all my good intentions were obliterated.’
He rolled his eyes before continuing. ‘Anyway. Once I’d stopped being such a self-pitying, love-struck coward, I realised that you weren’t like Carrie. Or my dad. You weren’t going to put all your dreams in my hands. To expect me to make everything perfect. You meant it when you said that you don’t need a partner to be happy. But… you also said that you wanted someone to share your life with. I came to the party with the intention of asking whether you might consider seeing if that could be me.’
‘And then you found me flirting with Leon.’
He sighed. ‘I couldn’t think straight, I was so jealous, Ollie. If you’re looking for serious, for all-in, committed, building a life together, wildly in love as long as we both shall live, I’m your man. Or, at least, I would very much like the opportunity to try.’
‘Wow.’
‘And, if I’m not mistaken…’ Sam made a big show of checking his super-cool ranger watch. ‘The No-Man Mandate ended nearly two hours ago. So, I had a question.’
‘Yes,’ I breathed, unable to take my eyes off his.
He smiled the smile that sent my heart soaring. ‘I haven’t asked the question yet.’
‘The answer’s yes.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I don’t care what time it is. Until I go to bed it’s still my birthday, and I would very much like to celebrate with a non-casual, deeply serious kiss.’
Sam’s whole face lit up. He slowly leant towards me in the darkness, pausing once his mouth was a breath away from mine.