She paused, but I had nothing to say in reply.
‘I know you want to help. It’s the right thing to do. But you have two choices here. Slip back into your old negative patterns, creating another cycle of unhealthy dependency. Or, you can use this opportunity to figure out the boundary between being a kind and decent person, and someone who is kind or decent to herself. It isn’t up to you to fix this.’
‘They haven’t got anyone else,’ I said, my voice hollow.
‘That’s exactly what you always said about Tina,’ Steph replied gently. ‘I love you like a sister, Ollie. You know that. Please, promise me you’ll at least think about what I’ve said.’
‘I have to go.’ I stopped, rephrased that. ‘Actually, I’m choosing to end this conversation.’
I didn’t promise, but Steph knew I didn’t have to. We had weathered too many storms together to allow a tough conversation to knock us off track. The least I owed my best friend was to think about what she’d said. Which of course I did, almost continuously, like a wire brush scrubbing away at my skull.
In the end, after two more days of relentlessly churning it over while frantically racing between the hospital and work meetings, picking up Joan from her holiday club and walking Nesbit, I reached some conclusions. I would care for Joan for as long as she needed me. It was the right thing to do, and children’s services would have to prise her out of my hands before they moved her away from her home or her dog. And I would help Joan find her grandparents, as soon as possible.
I would be a friend to Leanne, but not a carer. She would have to source that help from elsewhere.
And I would make sure I found time in all this to complete the last item on the Dream List, if for no other reason than to prove Steph wrong.
21
I had been rescheduling my ReadUp sessions to fit around Joan’s holiday club, ending up with back-to-back coaching on Friday with my three favourite clients. Yasmin was first, marching through the door on a mission.
‘Here, I’ve completed the second workbook.’ She handed me the book.
‘Wow! Well done. You’re really going for this.’
‘Yes, because today I need you to help me make a Facebook page and flyers.’ She stopped then, as if noticing me for the first time. ‘Ollie, you look terrible.’
‘I know.’ When I’d seen my face in the mirror that morning, I’d wondered if there’d been a mix-up, and I was the one who should have collapsed on the bedroom floor.
‘When did you last wash your hair?’ Yasmin peered closer. ‘When was the last time you brushed your hair?’
I shrugged.
‘That top was already dirty when I saw you at the dog park on Wednesday.’
‘I’ve been busy.’
‘Ollie.’ Yasmin sounded even more serious than usual. ‘There are some extreme situations when a woman can’t brush her hair or wash her clothes.’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘Or shower. Places where it is impossible to find shampoo or running water. There is no excuse for a woman living in Bigley Bottom, with a job and a house and the freedom to do what she wants, to treat herself like this. What is happening?’
I tried tucking my greasy, ratty hair neatly behind my ears. It immediately popped back out again. ‘Like I said, it’s been a really busy week.’
It had been the most physically and mentally exhausting week of my life. Worse than the week I moved. Worse than the week Mum decided she had suffered a stroke. Yasmin pulled a face to show what she thought about my busy week.
‘I want to cancel this session so that you can go home and sort yourself out, but there are dogs out there who need my help. I’m very conflicted.’
‘I’ve got sessions straight after this, anyway. I promise I’ll wash my hair this evening.’
Yasmin thought about it for a few seconds. ‘And find some clean clothes?’ She smoothed down her patterned tunic.
‘I presume the flyers you want to make are for dog training?’
‘Yes!’ She sank down into the empty chair, dilemma forgotten. ‘I can’t bear it any longer. Every time I take Mr Howard’s dogs out, I see more animals having to put up with owners who don’t know what they are doing. It should be illegal to buy a dog without taking some sort of examination. You aren’t allowed a car without a licence. A car has no feelings, no brain! Yet anyone can take responsibility for another living creature.’ She groaned, shaking her head in despair. ‘I am doing my best, Ollie, to help these stupid people, but they just aren’t interested! Yesterday, when I told a man at the park that it was his fault his dog knocked over a small child, he was very rude. When I explained that even a bad dog owner like him could easily learn to control his dog, he got more angry. I learnt three new swear words.’