“I know.” We stood there in silence for a few moments, and then he raised his head. “It will be better when I am raja. When I can actually carry out my purpose.”
“No.” His expression became confused, but I shook my head. “Your responsibilities will only intensify when you are king. You cannot treat your family this way, not for any purpose. Do you not see that?”
His brows drew together, and I could sense his annoyance building. “I understand what I did was wrong. Of course I do. But you are overreacting. This is more important. And I do not understand why you move so quickly to defend Sita, but not to defend the entire world, which I am telling you will suffer under the coming onslaught. Why do you not care for those countless others?”
“You are wrong, Rama. And I am sad you cannot see it.”
“Are you?” Rama demanded. “Or are you only seeing what you wish to see, so that you can keep your life comfortable? I feel as though you are abandoning me, Ma.” His voice cracked ever so slightly on that word, and I had to remind myself to harden my heart.
“Don’t turn this on me,” I said. “You committed the sin, not I.” As I said it, though, I remembered slapping him long ago. Had I been the one to teach him to use violence? No. It was not my fault alone.
“And what sin is it to turn your back on your son? My tutor told me you were blinded, that you cared not for the will of the gods, but I’ve never had reason to believe it until now.”
“This again?” I demanded. “Did you know Sage Vamadeva cursed his innocent wife? Consigned her to a life as a stone statue?”
“What are you talking about? Sage Vamadeva’s wife betrayed him with another man. She lied to him. He showed mercy not striking her dead.”
“How can you believe that?” I demanded. I had thought that perhaps when Rama heard the truth, he would reconsider. But even here, Vamadeva had reached Rama before me. “Do you think a woman should be killed for infidelity?”
“You might be different, Ma. But surely you know that most women introduce weakness into the world.” It was as though I had been hit in the chest by a horse, a blow that hurt so badly my fingers and toes tingled with the pain. It was finished. Rama was beyond my reach.
His quest had been given to him by a madman. I had to protect him from himself, protect others from him. I needed to take this responsibility from him and give him space to realize the error of his ways. And he needed to do this somewhere he could not harm anyone else.
I had to exile Rama.
As the sun began its descent, I found Dasharath in his suite of rooms, at his desk composing letters. The sight of him was a dagger. I knew this was what I must do, but even so the loss of Dasharath’s friendship would be an enormous blow. He had been a steadfast presence in my life for years, able to lighten my heart despite the heavy crown he wore. And now I would crush him. I knew when I did this, I would never again hear his laugh, experience his delightful mirth, or be wrapped in his comforting arms—and yet I would see him every day, and live with what I had done.
“Kaikeyi, I am so sorry,” he said the moment I entered. In this moment, his kindness was a curse. “I have been so busy today, I meant to send for you. Our entire kingdom grieves for your family.”
“Thank you.” I held myself stiff as he embraced me. I could not let myself have even this small pleasure, or I might have lost my nerve.
“Is something the matter?” he asked. Genuine concern thrummed across our diminished bond, and for a moment grief at what I had to do overwhelmed me. I took a deep breath and found my resolve.
“I have come to claim my boons.”
Dasharath’s brow furrowed in confusion then cleared. “Oh, yes, your boons. I granted you two for your service in the battle against Sambarasura.”
“Yes, my raja.”
“Well there is no need to use those,” he told me. “Whatever you wish I will give. Surely you know this by now, Kaikeyi.”
“I do,” I said. “But not this.”
He studied my face for a moment, then stepped back. “What is this about?”
I swallowed. “It is about Rama. He is not ready to take the throne.”
Horror etched itself in the planes of Dasharath’s face, and the thickest blue chain I had ever seen choked him in the Binding Plane. “No, Kaikeyi. He is ready, and he will receive the crown tomorrow.”
“Somebody who treats his citizens as though they are expendable should not become king.” I wished, not for the first time, that I could tell him of everything else, of Rama’s magic and my own, and of Ravana’s confession besides. I wonder, if I had never kept it from Dasharath, might things have been different? But I had no reason to tell him now, for I had seen firsthand what happened if I tried to insinuate anything at all about Rama’s control. Rama’s influence on Dasharath superseded mine.