“Why did you contact Dr. Pastels? After what I said to you, I figured you would never give me another thought.”
Just then, the waiter comes back with our drinks. Louis waits until he’s gone to respond.
“You got it in your mind that I’m some kind of player who stalks ballerinas and goes around the city breaking their hearts.” I open my mouth to protest, but he raises his hand to stop me. “It really hurt that you would think that, after everything that happened between us.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, not daring to meet his eyes.
He doesn’t look at me, either. Instead, he grabs a paper coaster and spins it between his fingers. The two guys at the next table give us a strange look, probably sensing the tension between us.
“You were right,” Louis says, not meeting my eyes.
Ouch. I feel like someone pinched me really hard. The sting remains for a few seconds afterward.
“About what?” I ask, though I don’t really want to know.
Louis clears his throat and shuffles on his seat. I’ve never seen him so uncomfortable. “That day we met on the steps…，” he starts. He sighs loudly. “I was there to see my ex. Well, almost ex.”
My heart twists, and I feel the tears well up at the corners of my eyes. I didn’t think the truth could be worse than what I’ve been picturing in my head, but maybe I was wrong.
“I can explain,” Louis says, glancing up at me.
“You don’t have to,” I reply, my voice small. Part of me is curious, of course, and wants all the details. But I don’t know if I can take it.
“Please, let me,” Louis replies, and before I can say anything else, he launches into it. “Two years ago, when Max was in the program, he invited me to a party with students from the school. I joked that he was lucky to spend his days with so many pretty girls, and he didn’t want me to feel left out. I met a girl at the party, and we started going out. From the beginning, it was messy, complicated. We were both jealous. Possessive sometimes. There was something real between us, but…I don’t know. It didn’t really work. Still, we had fun. We all became close as a group, Max, émilie—they weren’t together yet—and a few others from the school. We hung out at each other’s houses, went to movies, concerts, parties. I wasn’t just in a relationship with her, but with all of them. I think that’s why it worked for as long as it did. And then…she broke up with me. It shouldn’t have been a great surprise, but I was devastated…”
“You loved her,” I say, my voice trembling.
He looks away and nods, before continuing the story. “So I started hooking up with other dancers, girls she knew. It wasn’t anything serious, I think I was just trying to get back at her in some way. There was one party that got a bit out of control. We all drank too much, and the pictures circulated around school. My dad saw them. He didn’t say anything to me that time, but he warned Max. He said something like, “This program isn’t summer camp. If you have enough energy to go out partying, then you’re not working hard enough.”
That does sound like his dad, but Louis looks so solemn that I decide to keep this observation to myself.
“And then…she came back. Said she wanted to try it again.”
I notice that Louis still hasn’t mentioned her name. I wonder if it’s because it’s too painful for him.
“I asked Max for advice. He’s been my best friend for ten years, since I was hanging out in the back of my dad’s classes. My parents had just separated, my mom was traveling all the time, and there wasn’t anywhere else for me to go.”
“It must have been hard, going through your parents’ divorce.” I want to place my hand on his across the table, but I resist the urge.
He shrugs. “They’re much happier as friends than they were before. Anyway, Max told me that maybe I was acting out because I still had feelings for her. He was right. We got back together—that was about a year ago—and it was good for a few months. We did tons of things with Max and émilie, but when we were just the two of us, something was missing.”
Louis sneaks a guilty glance at me.
“So you were still dating her when you met me?” I ask, as neutrally as I can. On the inside, I’m shaken and bitter. That moment was one of the most exciting and spontaneous of my life. I feel cheated, though I have no right to.
“No,” Louis says. “Well, yes. I mean, not really. We spent the last six months breaking up and getting back together and breaking up again. Every day I never knew if we were still a thing or not. When I was waiting on the steps outside school, I had just broken up with her, again. But she said she wanted to talk, and I couldn’t help it. I came over to see her.”