She thought about boyfriends, right up to Jason, who left her because she was always mad. Her brother was seldom in touch and they disagreed with each other about everything and he accused her of always being mad.
Jessie cried a lot with the remembering. She thought a lot about her father and how much he praised her, how much attention he gave her, but the second he shifted his focus to Michael, she felt slighted. She cried because of how immature that seemed. She cried because she wished she could take back some years and do them better. With all the love and support she’d gotten from her parents, why couldn’t she have been a better, more grateful daughter?
She reported to Dr. Norton that she’d been feeling terrible regret and emotionalism and he said, “Sometimes just taking a closer look at things gives us a chance to purge. Are you feeling more in control now or are you in need of help? I can get you a prescription if you’re struggling.”
“I’m just feeling hyperaware,” she said. “And like I owe the world an apology.”
“Not at all, Jessie,” he said. “You’ve actually done the world a great service. You’ve taken care of dozens if not hundreds of sick patients, you love your family and you’re looking for ways to better communicate with them and you’re learning more about yourself every day.”
“You could have warned me,” she said. “I didn’t realize it would be this difficult and painful.”
“Growth has its price,” he said. “But not growing has a higher price.”
It had been a difficult year for Anna but the last couple of months had brightened her outlook on just about everything and that was primarily because she had Joe in her life. His love and support had meant so much to her. She hadn’t realized that her life had been lacking in love and romance until Joe filled up that space inside her.
Joe didn’t mind at all that many of his intense discussions with Anna were on the subject of Chad. Not even when Anna was grieving Chad, missing him. After all, Joe missed him, too. They’d been friends for a very long time, and while Joe still held a few confidences for Chad, the one really major secret Chad had never confessed. Joe did not know Chad had a child outside of his marriage.
What he did know and would never share was that Anna was correct—Chad wanted his wife to be smart, accomplished and, as he had said more than once, the most competent woman he’d ever known. He had confided long ago that he chose Anna to be his wife for that specific reason. He wanted a partner whose intelligence and abilities he could rely on so he could concentrate on becoming a success in his field. He had said so more than once. He didn’t want a woman who couldn’t balance a checkbook or perform CPR or make critical decisions about managing a home and family, plus earn a living. Chad had been well aware that his particular field was a tough one to break into and tougher still to become successful in. Counselors were a dime a dozen in California and certainly in San Francisco. Making a good deal of money at it went with reputation earned through accomplishment. And the competition was fierce.
“I knew Anna would be the best right hand a man could have in a marriage,” he had once told Joe. But years later he had said, “Do you have any idea what a toll it’s taking on our family for her to be in law school? I don’t know what the hell she’s trying to prove.”
She was undoubtedly trying to prove she could take care of her family without a devoted husband, which Chad had established he might not be. He had established that very well with an affair. A rather long-term affair that had lasted many months. Chad had admitted he had lied about his marital status, thus giving the other woman reason to think he was available.
Anna was correct, it was a good marriage. Because it was more of a business arrangement for Chad than a love match. Since Joe’s own marriage had gone so wrong, Joe often wondered if maybe Chad had the right idea. But there was that one thing Anna didn’t know. Chad confided to Joe, “I’ve never been in love, not really.”
Joe was in love. He wondered just how blissful life with Anna could be if he gave her everything she’d been lacking. He was filled with pride just considering her accomplishments, but more than that, he admired her moral core. She was an exemplary jurist because she could easily combine her knowledge of the law with her strong moral compass. If he were lucky enough to be her partner, he would make sure she knew he embraced her achievements.
He would enjoy loving Anna. Together, maybe they would make up for lost time. Maybe the best was yet to come.