“Oh, Mom,” she said, snuggling closer.
“Incentive to get better. Better than ever, if I can. I’m not going down without a fight.”
Jessie put her head on Anna’s shoulder. “I think I’ve taken you for granted. I’m so proud of you.”
“And I was just thinking the same thing about you.”
“I need to apologize for something. I need your forgiveness if you can.” She sat up straight so she could look in her mother’s eyes. “I always made you the bad guy.”
“Did you?”
She nodded. “I accused you of nagging Daddy, of always telling him what to do. You were always in his business.”
“That’s true. I did nag. Not all the time, but I was guilty of it. The thing about nagging is that it’s not nagging if you ask a person once. It only becomes nagging when you’re asking for the fortieth time. Your dad had a tendency to ignore me. Not just saying no, or sorry I’m too busy. Ignore. Then asking again and again becomes nagging. I was guilty of that, sure.”
“And you were not the bad guy.”
“Well, thank you, sweetheart.”
“And I watched him just try to get on your last nerve by complaining about everything from kids to work to the state of the lawns in the neighborhood or how unhappy he was, just in general. You had twice as much to do and you hardly ever complained.”
Anna smiled. She’d only waited thirty years to have a little appreciation from Jessie. “I used to tell your father there was an antidote to unhappiness. It’s called gratitude. If you’re busy giving thanks for what you have it’s very hard to think of what’s not quite good enough.”
“Hmm. I guess you’ve said that to me before...”
“Probably.”
“I’m going to give up men,” Jessie said.
Anna’s eyes grew wide and she mockingly looked around. “It must be working. There hasn’t been a man in sight around here, except your brother.”
“I’m serious. I’ve been trying to get a man since sixth grade and none stick. I quit.”
“Jessie, you’ve had a lot of boyfriends!” Anna argued.
“That’s right, when all I ever wanted was one good one! The new Jessie is a single woman who answers to no one!”
Anna laughed. “I thought you never did!”
“I was faking it. This time it’s going to be on purpose. They always dump me. I must be impossible as a girlfriend, so I’m going to quit being that.”
Anna hugged her close. “Whatever you want. You will always have me. For as long as I last.”
“Tell me what’s going on with Jenn?” Anna asked Mike.
It was just the two of them, sitting at the kitchen table with coffee on a Sunday morning. And for once Jessie and Bess were not around.
“Well, all my feelings were flat,” Mike said. “I had been struggling with losing Dad and I thought there was no room in my head or my heart for Jenn. So I suggested we break it off—at least for a while. Biggest mistake I ever made.”
“But why?” Anna asked.
“I just wasn’t feeling in love anymore,” he said. “I wasn’t feeling anything except the grief of losing someone I loved. So when I tried to pick up the pieces, Jenn was mad and not very forgiving. She’s still mad.”
“What exactly is she mad about?”
“She said I’m immature. That I don’t have the determination to stick around when things get tough. Now that I look back, I see her point. But I was suddenly afraid I’d never be as great a father and husband as my dad. And now I find out my dad wasn’t that great.”
“Oh, Michael...”
“Well, he did some pretty awful things we never knew about.”
“He did some pretty human things,” Anna said. “Don’t get the idea I think what he did was okay, but there’s hardly a person alive who is without flaws. Your dad needed a lot of love and support. More than I did, when you get down to it. You’re a lot like him.”
“That would have been a compliment six months ago,” Michael said.
“It’s still a compliment,” she said. “He was a good man who did good things. He was a good father, except he may have failed Amy. What’s most important to me is that you don’t make some of the same bad choices.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like thinking you have to be filled with feelings of being in love all the damn time. No one is in love every minute. But once we make a commitment we stick around, and when those days aren’t perfect, act like they are. Show your partner love and respect, anyway. Worry about her for once. It’s not all about you and your special little feelings.”