I shook my head at Ma’at. ‘If you weren’t there she would have died. I should have been in control. I should have been able to save her.’
Ma’at walked across the room and held my hand. ‘You cannot do this to yourself. You were in shock.’
I stepped back, battling between my caution and the trust planted by the fact that she had saved my best friend’s life. When I opened my mouth, it was clear that trust was winning. ‘Ma’at, a man killed my mother in front of my eyes at fifteen as she tried to protect me. The Duat did nothing, said it was our fault. I started singing at men’s clubs at sixteen to survive. Most of the men who frequented there were from The Duat. I’ve looked Osiris in the eye and survived many times. The Duat poisoned my husband. I shouldn’t have been shocked. I should have been stronger. What was all of it for if I’m not stronger because of it?’
Ma’at’s voice was soft. ‘Nefertiti. You may be stronger than most, but you are human. Not a goddess. You are allowed to feel.’
I looked at her suspiciously. ‘I expect you’ll tell your superiors about this?’
Ma’at moved so she was leaning against the counter next to me. ‘No. But you should know there are some good people there. I didn’t know about all of this. I’m sure if I explained what happened, we could catch the man that—’
I laughed humourlessly and rubbed my forehead. ‘Bless you. You don’t get it, do you? They will never catch that man, Ma’at. They are those men. House of Aten are the ones who catch those men. The few women they have on the force are part of their performance. You are their pawns. Tell me, Ma’at, how many women are there on the force?’
She was silent. I nodded.
‘And I know your accent. I hear it now. You’re from Aaru. A sweet mountain city, where all the Isfet live. I bet you grew up smart and strong and thought you’d come down to the valleys to show us how it’s done. They told you we were corrupt, and you believed them because it served you to believe them, otherwise you would have to question why you were up there and we were down here, so you wouldn’t come to the conclusion that you need us down here to keep you up there.’
Ma’at wore no make-up or pretence. The honesty suited her. Her skin glowed in the warm lighting of the kitchen, silken, deep.
She nodded. ‘You’re right.’
We were both quiet for a moment, eyeing each other. I was so very tired. I sighed.
‘Ma’at, I do bad things to stop bad people. It’s the only way to get them to stop doing bad things to good people. Do you really not know what your people do?’
She shook her head so heavily that I couldn’t believe it was a lie even if I wanted to.
‘Well, that’s pathetic.’
‘It is. I’m sorry.’ She looked as if her universe had just inverted.
I cleared my throat. ‘I am grateful to you for today. Truly. You saved my best friend’s life. But this . . . let’s not do this. I don’t want to be some kind of fantasy. My life is not a game. You don’t need to pretend to be interested or care.’
‘I think you already know that I’m a bad actress.’ A small smile crept up onto her face, and I surprised myself by smiling back.
I paused and leant back against the counter. She pulled out a part of me that wanted to be honest. I’d spent so long with my heart shuttered. The exertion it took to protect it exhausted me. ‘There’s a part of my soul that is callused. To defeat monsters sometimes you have to become one. You know what I did an hour before I met you? Ordered the excision and castration of a man.’
Ma’at looked unperturbed. ‘What did he do?’
‘What?’
She shrugged. ‘What did he do to make you do that?’
‘Beat babies out of his wife.’
Ma’at nodded. ‘So, he deserved it. Nefertiti, I am on the side of justice. That’s why I joined The Duat. If The Duat isn’t enacting justice then maybe I need to think about what side I’m on.’
I held still as she continued. ‘And . . . I don’t think you have a callused soul, just one that carries the pain of others. It’s a strong one.’
I swallowed, trying to keep the tears at bay. In a bid to self-distract, I turned to grab some more liquor from the cupboard. As I did so, the silk blush of my robe skimmed her body and I poured quickly hoping she hadn’t felt my weakening. I offered her some. She nodded and I raised a brow. ‘No longer on the clock?’