Hmm. Weird.
Guy sits next to me with a grin, and I think to myself, not for the first time, that he’s wholesome, charming, and truly a Cute Guy?.
This is incredibly objectifying and reductive, and if you tell anyone I’ll flatly deny it, but back in grad school Annie told me that there are three types of attractive men. I don’t know if she came up with this taxonomy herself, if Aphrodite announced it to her in a dream, or if she stole it from Teen Vogue, but here they are:
There is the cute type, which consists of guys who are attractive in a nonthreatening, accessible way, as a combination of their nice looks and captivating personalities. Tim falls into this group, just like Guy and most male scientists—including, I suspect, Pierre Curie. Come to think of it, all the guys who ever hit on me do, perhaps because I’m small, and dress quirky, and try to be friendly. If I were a dude, I’d be a Cute Guy?; Cute Guys? recognize that at some elemental level, and they make passes at me.
Then there’s the handsome type. According to Annie, this category is a bit of a waste. The Handsome Guy? has the kind of face you see in movie trailers and perfume ads, geometrically perfect and objectively amazing, but there’s something inaccessible about him. Those guys are so dreamy, they’re almost abstract. They need something to anchor them to reality—a personality quirk, a flaw, a circumscribed interest—otherwise they’ll float away in a bubble of boredom. Of course, society doesn’t exactly encourage Handsome Guys? to develop brilliant personalities, so I tend to concur with Annie: they’re useless.
Last but not least, the Sexy Guys?. Annie would go on and on about how Levi is the epitome of the Sexy Guy?, but I’d like to formally object. In fact, I don’t even acknowledge the existence of this category. It’s preposterous, the idea that there are men you can’t help yourself from being attracted to. Men who give you the tingles, men you can’t stop thinking about, men who pop up in your brain like flashes of light after stimulation of the occipital cortex. Men who are physical, elemental, primordial. Masculine. Present. Solid. Sounds fake, right?
“Hit me,” Guy tells me with a Cute Guy? smile. “What’s wrong with my brain?”
“Nothing, as far as I can tell.”
“Amazing news. Could you help me convince my ex-wife that I’m certifiably sane?”
“I’ll write you a note.”
“Nice.” He winks at me. He winks at me a lot, I’m noticing. “So, how are you liking Houston?”
“I haven’t really seen much yet. Besides the Space Center.”
“And a cemetery,” Levi interjects. I give him a dirty look and steal a cluster of his grapes in revenge. He lets me with a small smile.
“I could help you out,” Guy offers.
“Sure,” I say distractedly, busy glaring at Levi and making a show of chewing on his grapes.
“Really?”
“Uh-huh.”
Levi lifts one eyebrow and bites into his sandwich. It feels a lot like a challenge, so I steal a strawberry, too.
“Maybe we could go to dinner,” Guy says. “Are you free tomorrow night?”
Levi and I instantly turn toward him. I mentally rewind the conversation, trying to recall what I agreed to. A date? Exploring Houston? Marriage?
No. No, no, no. I have zero interest in dating, zero interest in Guy, and subzero interest in dating Guy. You know what I do have? Weird, intrusive thoughts. For instance, I’m currently remembering the way Levi’s hands felt around my waist as he slid me down his body. “Um, I . . .”
“Or this weekend?”
“Oh.” I give Levi a panicked glance. Help. Please help. “Thanks, um, but actually I . . .”
“Just name the night. I’m flexible and—”
“Guy,” Levi says, voice deep and low. “You might want to take a look at her left hand.”
I glance down, confused. My fingers are still clutching the strawberry. What does he— Oh. My grandmother’s wedding ring. I put it on this morning. Some good luck for the brain mapping sessions.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” Guy immediately apologizes. “I had no idea that you—”
“Oh, it’s fine. I’m not . . .” Married, I want to say, but it would be a waste of the amazing out Levi gave me. I cough. “I’m not bothered.”
“Okay. My apologies, again.” He leans toward Levi, asking with a conspiratorial tone, “Out of curiosity, how big’s her husband? And how prone to violent rage?”