‘Yeah.’
‘I just …’ She looked up at me, right in the eyes. ‘OK. We’re being honest, right?’
‘Yeah. Of course.’
‘Well … I did like Rooney. I really did.’ She tilted her head back. ‘I know I never outright said it, but … I didn’t want to admit it to myself. But you knew, right? I mean, you said you knew.’
I had known. That’s what made this situation so awful.
‘Yeah,’ I said.
‘I … I didn’t want to admit it, because, like …’ She laughed. ‘I am so fucking done with liking straight girls. Literally my whole teenage life I spend pining after straight girls, maybe getting like one kiss from a slightly curious girl who immediately goes back to her boyfriend, and then I come to uni hoping to finally meet a solid range of other queer girls … and I just immediately fall for a straight girl again.’ She smacked her forehead with one hand. ‘Why am I the actual dumbest gay alive?’
I grinned. I couldn’t help it.
‘Shut up,’ said Pip, also grinning. ‘I know. I know. I was doing so well. I joined Pride Soc and LatAm Soc and I even went to a couple of those stupid Ultimate Frisbee games, but like … I was still making the same mistakes. Then when you and her kissed, I just – it just felt like the biggest betrayal from both of you.’
I hugged her. Tight. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’
She hugged me back. ‘I know.’
We stayed like that for a long time.
Then she said, ‘I just don’t understand why the kiss happened. Like … I don’t think I’ve ever been so genuinely shocked by anything in my life.’
I felt myself go a bit red. ‘Didn’t Rooney explain?’
‘To be honest, I was so pissed off that I barely listened to what she was saying.’ She huffed out a laugh. ‘And by the time I calmed down, it was kind of too late.’
‘Oh.’
Pip looked at me. ‘Georgia … I don’t want to … force you to talk about anything that you don’t want to talk about. Like, that’s not what people should do to anyone, especially their friends, and especially about things like … like sexuality.’ Her voice grew softer. ‘But … I at least want you to know that you can talk to me about it, if you want to, and I promise I would understand.’
I felt frozen.
She knew something was up.
She’d known for ages, probably.
‘I don’t know whether you’d understand,’ I said in a very small voice.
Pip paused, then let out a short, exasperated chuckle. ‘I’m not sure if you’re aware of this fact, Georgia Warr, but I am an exceptionally humungous lesbian with a lifetime of experience in gay thoughts.’
I laughed. ‘I know. I was there all through your Keira Knightley phase.’
‘Erm, my Keira Knightley phase is still ongoing, thank you very much. I’ve still got that poster in my room at home.’
‘Still?’
‘I can’t throw it away. It represents my gay awakening.’
‘You can’t throw it away because she’s hot, you mean.’
‘Maybe so.’
We both grinned, but I didn’t know where to go from there. Should I just say it? Should I find an article for her to read? Should I just drop this whole topic because she’d never understand?
‘So,’ said Pip, twisting her body round so she was facing me. ‘Keira Knightley. Thoughts?’
I snorted. ‘Are you asking me whether I fancy Keira Knightley?’
‘Yup.’
‘Oh.’ So this was how we were doing it. ‘Well, um, no.’
‘What about … girls in general?’
Pip held her mug in front of her mouth, staring at me with quiet cautiousness.
‘No,’ I murmured.
I guess I was sure about that now. But it still felt almost impossible to admit. For Pip, at least, it probably would have been easier to understand if I did like girls.
‘So … the thing with Rooney …’ Pip looked down. ‘Was it … were you just curious, or …？’
Curious. I wanted to laugh. I was, and always had been, the opposite of curious.
‘Desperate is the word I would use,’ I said before I could stop myself.
Pip frowned, confused. ‘Desperate for what?’
‘Desperate to like someone.’ I looked at Pip. ‘Anyone.’
‘Why?’ she whispered.