‘Yeah, Aimee was a disgusting human being.’
‘I think I only stayed with Aimee for so long because I was scared of being single and, like … being that person again. People had been shitting on me for years because I was … I dunno, unlovable or something. If I broke up with Aimee, I thought I was gonna be, like, unlovable forever.’ His voice quietened. ‘I really believed she was the best I deserved.’
‘You deserve more,’ I said immediately. I knew this to be true because I loved him. Maybe I wasn’t in love with him, not yet, but I did love him.
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I mean, I know. I know that now.’
‘OK, Mr Self-Confidence.’
He laughed. ‘Just wish I could tell that to sixteen-year-old me.’
I was a hypocrite.
I was doing exactly what Jason had forced himself to do all those years ago. Have experiences, kisses, relationships – all because he was scared to be different. He was scared to be the guy who hadn’t kissed anyone.
That was exactly what I was doing. And I was going to end up hurting him.
Maybe I should just tell him now. Tell him we should stop this, end it, just stay as friends.
But maybe, if I just held on for a little bit longer, we would fall in love, and I would not hate myself any more.
Before I had the chance to speak again, Jason had already moved to the headboard and opened up his laptop. ‘Anyway. A movie?’He patted the bed next to him and pulled a blanket from underneath him. ‘You can choose, since I chose the cinema movie.’
I moved next to him to survey the movie options. He pulled the blanket over our legs. What if this was all a precursor to us having sex? Or even just kissing? This was the normal time when we would start kissing, right? People who were on a date didn’t just sit through a movie. They got ten minutes in and then started making out. Was I going to have to do that? Just thinking about it made me want to cry.
I chose something and we watched in silence. I kept fidgeting. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted to do.
‘Georgia?’ Jason asked after about twenty minutes. ‘You … OK?’
‘Erm …’ I was freaking out. I was majorly freaking out. I liked Jason and I wanted to chill out and watch a movie with him. But I didn’t want to do any of the other stuff. What if my sexuality was just the letter ‘X’， like the Kinsey Scale had told me? ‘Actually, I’m feeling a bit unwell.’
Jason sat up from the headboard. ‘Oh no! What’s wrong?’
I shook my head. ‘Nothing bad, I just … I’m just a bit headachy, to be honest.’
‘Do you wanna call it a day? You should go take a nap, or something.’
God. Jason was so nice.
‘Would that be OK?’ I asked.
He nodded earnestly. ‘Of course.’
When I left, there was a short moment of overwhelming relief.
But after that, I just hated myself.
I didn’t even end up going back to St John’s.
I went straight downstairs and out of Castle college, thinking I was going to go to Tesco to get some comfort food for the evening. But then I just sat down on the steps and couldn’t move.
I was utterly, utterly messing this up.
I was going to end up hurting Jason.
And I was going to end up alone. Forever.
If I couldn’t like a guy who was lovely, kind, funny, attractive, my best friend … how could I ever like anybody?
It didn’t play out like this in movies. In movies, two childhood best friends would eventually realise that, despite everything, they had been made for each other this whole time, that their connection went beyond just attraction, and then they’d get together and live happily ever after.
Why wasn’t this playing out like that?
‘Georgia?’ said a voice from behind me. I twisted my body, startled that someone whose voice I didn’t immediately recognise knew who I was. I was startled again to see that it was Sunil, my college parent, who had the self-confidence of a member of Queer Eye.
‘Sunil,’ I said.
He chuckled. He was wearing a thick colour-block coat over a classic black tux.
‘Correct,’ he said.
‘How come you’re at Castle?’
‘Music practice,’ he said, smiling warmly. ‘I’m in the student orchestra and needed to run through a couple of things with the other cellists.’ He sat down next to me on the steps.
‘You play the cello?’
‘I do. It’s quite enjoyable, but orchestra is stressful. The conductor doesn’t like me because me and Jess always get caught chatting.’