‘Erm … not really,’ I said. ‘I’ve heard of it.’ I immediately felt embarrassed by this admission. ‘You really don’t have to spend time explaining it to me, I can just – I could just go and look it up …’
He smiled again. ‘It’s OK. I’d like to explain it. The internet can be a bit confusing.’
I shut my mouth.
‘Asexuality means I’m not sexually attracted to any gender.’
‘So …’ I thought about this. ‘That means … you don’t want to have sex with anyone?’
He chuckled. ‘Not necessarily. Some asexual people feel that way. But some don’t.’
Now I was just confused. Sunil could tell.
‘It’s OK,’ he said, and it genuinely did make me feel like it was OK that I didn’t understand. ‘Asexuality means I’m not sexually attracted to any gender. So I don’t look at men, or women, or anyone, and think, wow, I want to do sexy stuff with them.’
This made me snort. ‘Does anyone actually think stuff like that?’
Sunil smiled, but it was a sad smile. ‘Maybe not in those exact words, but yes, most people think stuff like that.’
This shook me. ‘Oh.’
‘So, I just don’t feel those feelings. Even if they’re someone I’m dating. Even if they’re a model or a celebrity. Even if, on a basic, objective level, I can tell that they’re conventionally attractive. I just don’t feel those feelings of attraction.’
‘Oh,’ I said again.
There was a pause. Sunil looked at me, contemplating what to say next.
‘Some asexuals still enjoy having sex, for a whole variety of reasons,’ he continued. ‘I think that’s why a lot of people find it confusing. But some asexuals don’t like sex at all, and some are just neutral about it. Some asexuals still feel romantic attraction to people – wanting to be in relationships, or even kiss people, for example. But others don’t want romantic relationships at all. It’s a big, big spectrum with a whole range of different feelings and experiences. And there’s really no way to tell how one specific person feels, even if they openly describe themselves as asexual.’
‘So …’ I knew it was a little invasive to ask, but I just had to. ‘Do you still want relationships?’
He nodded. ‘Yes. I identify as gay as well. Gay asexual.’
‘As … as well?’
‘The technical term is homoromantic. I still want to be in relationships with guys and masculine folks. But I feel very indifferent about sex, because I have never looked at men or any gender and felt sexual attraction to them. Men don’t turn me on. Nobody does.’
‘So romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction?’
‘For some people they feel like different things, yes,’ said Sunil. ‘So some people find it useful to define those two aspects of their attraction differently.’
‘Oh.’ I didn’t know how I felt about that. What I felt was so whole – it didn’t feel like two different things.
‘Jess – she’s aromantic, meaning she doesn’t feel romantic attraction for anyone. She’s also bisexual. She won’t mind me telling you that. She finds a lot of people physically attractive, but she just doesn’t fall in love with them.’
Isn’t that sad? was what I wanted to ask. How is she OK with that? How would I be OK with that?
‘She’s happy,’ said Sunil, like he’d read my mind. ‘It took her some time to feel happy with herself, but … I mean, you met her. She’s happy with who she is. Maybe it’s not the heteronormative dream that she grew up wishing for, but … knowing who you are and loving yourself is so much better than that, I think.’
‘This is … a lot,’ I said, my voice quiet and a little croaky.
Sunil nodded again. ‘I know.’
‘A lot a lot.’
‘I know.’
‘Why do things have to be so complicated?’
‘Ah, the eternally wise words of Avril Lavigne.’
I didn’t know what to say after that. I just stood there, processing.
‘It’s funny,’ said Sunil after a few moments. He looked down, as if remembering an old joke. ‘So few people know what asexuality or aromanticism are. Sometimes I think I’m so wrapped up with Pride Soc that I forget there are people who’ve just … never even heard these words. Or have any idea that this is a real thing.’