There was a silence as I waited for her to say something. She located her vape pen, slotted it neatly into the compartment in front of the gear lever, and then said, ‘I’m in the mood for a McDonald’s.’
‘On Christmas Day?’
‘Yeah. I just really want a McFlurry right now.’
Thinking about it, I was actually really up for some chips. I guess it was a ‘fries before guys’ day.
I also wanted to talk to Ellis about everything I’d just heard. Especially about ‘not liking anyone’。
‘We could go to McDonald’s,’ I said.
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
So Ellis started the car, and off we went.
‘Oh my God, yes,’ said Ellis, dunking the plastic spoon into her McFlurry. ‘This is what Christmas Day has always been missing.’
‘Agreed,’ I said, already halfway through my chips.
‘McDonald’s. She never lets me down.’
‘I’m not sure that’s the slogan.’
‘It should be.’
We were parked in the restaurant’s car park, which was almost entirely empty apart from us. I’d messaged Mum and Dad about where I was, and Dad sent back a thumbs-up emoji, so they probably weren’t bothered. Being in the car in my pyjamas and dressing gown did feel a bit wrong, though.
Ellis had chatted to me the whole way there about the most mundane topics. It was only a fifteen-minute drive, but for that whole fifteen minutes I hadn’t been able to get in much more than a ‘yeah’ or an ‘mmhm’ of agreement. I hadn’t been able to ask anything I really wanted to ask.
Are you like me? Are we the same?
‘So,’ I was finally able to say while she was mid-spoonful of ice cream, ‘your parents.’
She made a grunting noise. ‘Oh, yeah. Jesus, sorry you had to hear any of that. It’s very embarrassing that they still treat me like I’m fifteen. No offence to all the fifteen-year-olds out there. Even fifteen-year-olds don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.’
‘They sounded …’ I searched for the word. ‘… unreasonable.’
Ellis laughed. ‘Yeah. Yes, they did.’
‘Do they get at you about that stuff a lot?’
‘Whenever I see them, yeah,’ said Ellis. ‘Which is less and less these days, to be honest.’
I couldn’t imagine seeing Mum and Dad less and less. But maybe that’s what would happen to me, if I never got married or had children. I would just be phased out of my family. A ghost. Only popping up at occasional family gatherings.
If I came out to them, would they make me get therapy, like Ellis’s parents had?
‘Do you ever believe them?’ I asked.
Ellis was clearly not expecting this question. She took a long breath in, staring at her ice cream.
‘You mean, do I ever feel like my life is worthless because I won’t ever have a partner or children?’ she asked.
It sounded worse when she put it like that. But I wanted to know.
I needed to know whether I would always feel uncomfortable with this part of myself.
‘Yeah,’ I said.
‘Well, firstly, I can have children whenever I want. Adoption exists.’
‘But what about having a partner?’
She paused.
And then she said, ‘Yes, I do feel like that occasionally.’
Oh.
So maybe I was always going to feel like this.
Maybe I would never feel comfortable with this.
Maybe –
‘But that’s just a feeling,’ she continued. ‘And I know it’s untrue.’
I blinked up at her.
‘Having a partner is what some people want. For others, it’s not. It took me a long, long time to figure out that that’s not what I want. In fact …’ She hesitated. But only for a moment. ‘It took me a long time to realise that it’s not even something I can want. It’s not a choice for me. It’s a part of me that I can’t change.’
I was holding my breath.
‘How did you realise?’ I asked eventually, my heart in my mouth.
She laughed. ‘It’s … well, are you in the mood for me to condense my entire life into one conversation over a Christmas Day McDonald’s?’
‘… Yes.’
‘Ha. OK.’ She took a spoonful of ice cream. ‘So … I never had any crushes when I was a child. Not any real ones, anyway. Sometimes I confused friendship for them, or just thinking a guy was really cool. But I never really fancied anyone. Even celebrities or musicians or whatever.’