“You’re safe here, Mary Jane. We’re here to listen. There’s no judgment.” Dr. Cone ran his fingers down his goaty sideburns, like he was combing them.
“Um . . .” My heart was beating so hard, I thought I might pass out. But if there ever was a chance for me to be cured of my problem, this seemed like the best place.
“Oh, Mary Jane. Nothing you say could shock us or make us love you any less.” Sheba crawled over Jimmy so that she was beside me. She picked up my hand and held it between her two hands. “You can say it.”
I took a deep breath and then blurted it out before I could think it through any longer. “I think I might be a sex addict.”
There was silence. Sheba put her head closer to mine and stared into my eyes, blinking. I looked toward Dr. Cone. His eyebrows were drawn together. I’d never seen him look so serious.
“Have you been having reckless and indiscriminate sex?” Dr. Cone asked.
“No!” I was surprised he would imagine I had. “I’ve never had sex.”
“Have you been fooling around with someone?” Mrs. Cone stared at Jimmy as she asked this, as if she expected me to be fooling around with him.
“No! No. I’ve never even kissed a boy.”
Dr. Cone said, “Are you looking at pornographic magazines?”
“No, of course not. I’m taking care of Izzy all day.”
“Compulsively masturbating?” Dr. Cone asked, and my face burned hard and deep.
“No, I’ve never done that. But I think about sex all the time. Or at the wrong time. Like, I see penises when I’m making dinner. Or, if I’m grocery shopping, I can’t get the word sex out of my brain or maybe I’ll think sex addict sex addict sex addict just because I’m thinking about sex. Or I’ll see something that is totally not related to sex and it will remind me of sex.” I felt a rush of lightness after having poured all this out. It was like my head was filled with helium.
“Like a zucchini?” Sheba asked.
I paused. “Well, I never thought of that. But I will now. That’s what I mean. From today on, I’ll think of sex, or a penis, I guess, every time I look at a zucchini.” I searched their faces in the shadowy moonlight to see if they were repulsed by me. Or disappointed in me. But everyone was smiling.
“Oh, sweetie.” Sheba put her arms around me and pulled me against her. She kissed my head like I was Izzy. “You’re fine. Those are just normal human girl thoughts.”
“Are they?” I couldn’t imagine my mother ever thinking of penises while shopping for zucchinis. And the twins probably wouldn’t even think of penises if they were standing in a boys’ locker room with abundant visible penises. Would girls who wanted to be president ever think about sex?
“Those thoughts are fully within the range of normal,” Dr. Cone said. “And if you were masturbating or looking at pornography, that would still be normal, as long as it wasn’t to the exclusion of your daily needs and responsibilities.”
“Dr. Cone, are you sure about this?” At the beginning of the summer I would have thought this conversation would be impossible. I’d thought I was going to die an old woman with my secret sex addiction. But now, what surprised me more than the conversation itself, was the enormous unburdening I felt. It was like a great wind was suddenly blowing through my hollowed-out body.
“I am certain. You aren’t even verging on an addiction.”
“Mary Jane! Baby!” Jimmy leaned forward toward me. “I’m the one who’s fucking half addicted to sex. You saw what happened! It’s not you, baby.”
“You’re SO fine!” Sheba hugged me. Then she pulled away from me and said, “What did she see? What are you talking about?”
Dr. Cone said, “Jimmy, maybe you should save Mary Jane the discomfort of having to say what happened.”
“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?” Sheba stared hard at Jimmy.
Mrs. Cone leaned forward. “What? Wait? What happened? Richard, do you know what happened?”
“Let’s let Jimmy talk. And please, everyone, try to reserve judgment and keep your emotions in check until he’s had his say.” Dr. Cone looked at Sheba as he said this.
“I was walking down the beach today,” Jimmy said. “And I ran into that Beanie woman—”
“No!” Sheba said. “That blond-bob housewife can’t stay the fuck away from us!”
“I didn’t know how to say no.” Jimmy sounded pained by this. Like saying no caused him physical distress. “I didn’t know how to stop it. I really didn’t want to do it, but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and my dick wanted it, for sure, and then Mary Jane and Izzy saw us—”