“Aaron asked to meet up when the divorce was finalized under the guise of giving me some of the things I’d left. They were sentimental items I couldn’t replace like Jamie’s baby photos, so I agreed. But he showed up wasted. I should’ve known better.”
I looked down at my lap. It wasn’t the first time Aaron had convinced me to do something I knew better than to do, but it had certainly been the last.
“That’s why Jamie’s so fucking defensive of you, why he shoved me away that day. He saw this shit, didn’t he?”
Goosebumps covered my entire body at the pure venom staring back at me from his eyes. I couldn’t get my mouth to form words, so I nodded.
He cursed, ducking his head down and clasping a hand over the back of his neck. “I’m gonna fucking kill him.”
I lurched forward, stretching a hand out and placing it on the bed. “Aaron may have been the one to hurt me, Garrett, but I was the one who invited him to an apartment my child was at, knowing what he was like. I’m not saying what happened was my fault. It’s taken me a long time to accept it, but it wasn’t. But that doesn’t make me completely innocent either.”
“That piece of shit knows where you live.”
I pulled my hand back, snapping, “I’m well aware.”
He held the bent papers out, “Why are these printed out, sitting in your damn nightstand like bedtime reading material?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting against the tears his question brought to the surface. He could’ve had me butt ass naked, and I wouldn’t have felt as stripped bare as I did in that moment.
“I started logging incidences and printing things while we were together. I couldn’t seem to find the courage to leave, so I tried to force courage by manipulating my fear instead.” My voice shook, and I took a deep breath, wiping away a tear that slipped free.
“Every time I second-guessed myself, I’d pull them out and remind myself why I needed to leave. Because it was hard, Garrett. Leaving him was one of the hardest, most terrifying things I’ve ever done.”
He didn’t reply, but his face had lost its hardness. He almost looked lost as he stared at me, and I wondered if he was thinking about his mother. I pushed through, determined to explain an unexplainable situation.
“When things were bad, they were really bad. But when they were good, they were amazing. Over time, I’d gotten so used to the bad times, that the good ones seemed almost euphoric.” I stared off into space, contemplating my next words.
“Being with a manipulative partner is like an addiction. But instead of a drug, you’re addicted to them, to making them happy because it’s the only time you can be happy. You acclimate to their behavior a little at a time, until you grow numb to it. Until it’s no longer the worst day you’ve ever had, it’s just Monday.
“Then one day they stop giving you your fix. They leave you writhing on the floor, screaming out into the void, all the while knowing, even through the pain, you’re going to wake up and do it all over again. Forever chasing the high of making them happy.”
Tears were now streaming down my face. The reins I’d had on my emotions completely gone. I was too emotionally exhausted and physically drained from the morning I’d had to hide how much the admission broke me.
Garrett walked around to the opposite side of the bed and sat, leaning back until we were shoulder to shoulder. He set the papers between us, his fingers twitching toward me as if he’d almost reached for my hand.
I stared at the pages that documented my history. My pain. My humiliation. “I know it may not make any sense. It’s not something you can understand unless you’ve lived it. Men like Aaron manipulate and gaslight and wear you down so slowly you don’t see it. You don’t even realize your bar has lowered until it’s fucking non-existent.”