“No, in outer space! You always say I’m gonna be an astronaut but everyone is now!”
Acacia’s laugh was bright, even over the phone.
“Hey, where are you? Where’s Parker? Where’s the party?”
“Parker is downstairs with the party,” Cassie said. “I came upstairs to say happy New Year to Erin and to call you.”
“Cassie.”
There was a warning in Acacia’s voice that made Erin look at Cassie’s face, and it was like she knew what was about to happen before it did: frantic, useless terror.
“Please tell me you didn’t do something stupid like go upstairs to try to kiss her,” Acacia said.
Cassie went stiff, completely frozen. A rock sunk into the pit of Erin’s stomach, but she put on a big smile as she leaned over, into the frame, and waved at Acacia.
“Hi, Acacia! Happy New Year!” She moved back out of the frame.
The way Acacia’s face fell might have been funny if Erin weren’t feeling something similar.
“Happy New Year,” Acacia said blankly.
“Yeah, Kaysh, I should be getting back to the party,” Cassie said. Erin could feel her eyes on her. “Talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
They hung up. Cassie turned to Erin, but Erin refused to look at her.
Cassie took a big breath. “Look, she doesn’t even know—”
“It’s fine,” Erin said.
She was the one who was frozen now, her jaw set so tight her teeth creaked. How could she have been so stupid?
“I’m sorry,” Cassie said. “She only knows about that night, at the bar. I told her forever ago, because I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I had to tell someone. I didn’t know—I didn’t know I was going to come here. I didn’t know anything was going to happen.”
If things were normal, Erin would like hearing that Cassie thought about her so much she had to tell someone. If things were normal. Nothing had ever been normal here. Nothing had ever been okay. Erin had been pretending because she wanted to justify it to herself, but look where that got her: fucking one of her daughter’s best friends while the other knew what was going on. What the fuck had she been thinking.
“It’s fine,” she said again.
“Erin, I’m serious, would you look at me?” Cassie sounded panicked, and that was the only reason Erin finally looked at her. “Acacia’s my best friend. She’s not going to—”
“It’s fine, Cassie,” Erin said one more time.
Acacia was Cassie’s best friend. Acacia was Parker’s best friend. Cassie was Parker’s best friend. Erin was the worst mother in the world.
“Go back to the party before you’re missed. Happy New Year.”
“Erin—”
“Go back to the party, Cassie.”
Cassie went.
Erin didn’t finish her glass of champagne. She poured it down the kitchen sink instead, and closed the bottle with a reusable airtight cork.
Acacia knew. Parker’s roommate.
Parker’s roommate knew Erin and Cassie were … whatever they were doing. Erin hardly knew Cassie. She should’ve known better than to trust her. This wasn’t going to work itself out just because Erin wanted it to.
The world kept reminding her that this was a bad idea. She should listen. She should be a better person. She had no excuse for this.
You don’t need an excuse to feel good. Rachel’s voice in her head was never a good sign. Now Erin had Cassie’s in there, too, because fuck should, right? Cassie was only here for another week. The holidays were a time for excess.
Besides, Erin had tried to be better. It hadn’t worked. She didn’t seem capable of being nice to Cassie without flirting, but she also couldn’t distance herself from her without being cruel. This was the situation that worked best for everyone. Cassie was happy, Erin was happy, and Parker was happy. Not telling your kid something wasn’t lying. It was like when Parker asked what Breaking Bad was about before she’d turned double digits—Erin had said a chemistry teacher and his family, and that hadn’t been a lie. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
It was only for another week.
Thirteen
CASSIE
Cassie didn’t wake up hungover, because she’d stopped drinking at midnight, but she still felt nauseated. She chugged the glass of water next to her bed. Acacia had texted seven more times. One Happy New Year from the past! and six more variations of fuck I’m so sorry. Cassie had already told her it was okay.