She survived the next two hours in a medicated haze. She washed and dried her hair and dressed in a pale beige summer-weight sheath. It wasn’t until she was in Dr. Bloom’s chair, squirming under the psychiatrist’s sharp gaze, that she realized she was still in her slippers. “Thank you for making time for me,” Jude said, trying to hide her slippered feet.
“A panic attack. You haven’t had one in more than eighteen months. What happened?”
She couldn’t meet Harriet’s penetrating gaze. It made her feel weak and delusional. So she glanced to her left. “I was at Zach’s house on Saturday morning, making breakfast for everyone. Zach is studying for finals. School is going late this year. All those damn snow days add up.”
“And?” Harriet prompted.
“I saw Gracie outside … talking to … Lexi.”
“Lexi is the girl who was driving the car that night.”
“Yes.”
“We haven’t talked much about her. In fact, I believe you said you’d never come back if I mentioned her again.”
“Out of sight, out of mind,” Jude answered by rote, tapping her foot again.
“So you saw her again, after all these years, and you had a panic attack.”
“She was talking to Gracie!”
“Her daughter,” Dr. Bloom said.
Jude snapped to her feet and started pacing. She was having trouble breathing. “She gave up that right when she went to prison. She signed documents.”
“Is that when you think she gave up the right to be a mother? When she went to prison? Or when she killed your daughter?”
“Both,” Jude said, breathing hard now. Her chest hurt. “What’s the difference? She can’t waltz back in and act as if it never happened. Zach finally has his life back on track. I won’t let him see her again.”
“Sit down, Jude,” Dr. Bloom said in a reasonable voice.
“What if she wants … what if—oh, God.” Jude drew in a great gulping breath and started to panic. Dr. Bloom was beside her almost instantly, touching her back, rubbing it in a soothing way.
“You’re all right, Jude. Just breathe. Here, sit down.”
Jude got her breathing under control and the pain in her chest receded. With a shaking hand, she pushed the sweat-dampened hair out of her face and tried to smile. “I’m falling apart.”
“Would that really be so terrible?”
Jude wrenched away from the doctor. “Are you sure you went to med school?”
“Jude. You can’t control this situation.”
“Thanks for that pearl.” She looked longingly at the door. This wasn’t helping. “I should have swallowed a handful of pills when…” She couldn’t say the words out loud. She’d never been able to.
“You thought about it,” Dr. Bloom reminded her. “But even in the darkest times, you had hope.”
“You think hope is what stopped me?”
“What stopped you?”
She was not going to answer that. She hated the answer, anyway. “I’m worried about Zach, damn it. He’s fragile, like me. He’s never gotten over his guilt … or his grief. To see Lexi again … and what if she wants to be Grace’s mother? I won’t let her be a part of our family again. Oh, God…”
“She’s already a part of your family,” Harriet said.
“Shut up.”
“Excellent retort. By the way, you don’t sound like a woman who feels nothing for her granddaughter.”
Jude reached for her purse, snagged it. “I need to see a lawyer, not a shrink.”
“What makes you think you need a lawyer?”
“I need to protect Grace and Zach. Maybe we need a restraining order…”
“You think keeping Lexi away will protect them?”
“Of course. Have you even been listening to me?”
“Lexi is your granddaughter’s mother,” Dr. Bloom said gently. “You tell me you used to put a lot of store in motherhood.”
Jude reeled back. “I need to get out of here.” Without waiting for a response, she headed for the door. As she wrenched it open, she heard Dr. Bloom say, “She was eighteen years old, Jude. Think about that.”
Jude slammed the door behind her.
Twenty-two
Jude called Miles and asked him to meet her at Zach’s; then she drove straight down to the ferry dock. Her timing was impeccable. They were loading the boat when she got there.
The thirty-minute Sound crossing seemed to take forever. She tapped her fingers nervously on the steering wheel.