Ripples, she thought. Grief had endless consequences. Pushing that thought aside, she went to the front door and knocked quickly—before she lost her nerve.
Jude opened the door. “Lexi,” she said, obviously surprised.
“I want to give you something for Grace.”
“She’s up in Zach’s old room, watching a movie.”
“Oh. I didn’t think she’d be here.”
“Would you like to see her?”
Lexi knew she should say no, but how could she? She nodded. Unable to dredge up words to accompany the gesture, she turned away from Jude and went up the stairs to Zach’s old room. At the door, she paused just long enough to draw a strengthening breath, then she knocked on the door, heard a chirpy come in, and opened the door.
“Hi, Mommy. What are you doing here?” Grace sat up in Zach’s bed, frowning.
Lexi actually stumbled. She tried to cover her mistake with a smile, but realized that she’d done that badly, too.
It was a lot to handle all at once—Grace’s beautiful face, her saying, mommy … and Zach’s room.
Everywhere she looked, she saw reminders of the boy with whom she’d fallen in love—a tangle of plastic dinosaurs, a football, a colorful collection of Disney videotapes, green-spined video games. But it was the worn copy of Jane Eyre sitting on the dresser that killed her. She went to it, picked it up, felt its slick, crinkled cover … saw her name, scrawled in a lost penmanship on the inside cover. He’d kept it. All these years.
“You’re not coming to take me away, are you?” Grace asked worriedly.
Lexi put the book down and turned to face her daughter. “No. May I sit next to you?”
“Okay.”
Lexi climbed into the bed （Zach’s bed, but she shouldn’t think about things that didn’t matter anymore） and scooted as close to Grace as she dared. “I scared you the other day.”
“Nothin’ scares me. I punched Jacob in the nose and he’s way bigger’n me.”
“I shouldn’t have said I wanted you to live with me. That wasn’t what I meant to say at all.”
“Oh. That. You don’t want me to live with you?”
Lexi flinched. “I don’t know much about being a mom. And I can see how much you love being with your daddy.”
Grace seemed to relax at that. “Do you know how to make cupcakes?”
“No. Why?”
“I dunno. Moms just make stuff.”
Lexi leaned back against Zach’s headboard. The bulletin board across the room, above the dresser, was still full of newspaper clippings and ribbons he’d won in high school. For what, she couldn’t even remember. “So I guess you want the kind of mom who makes cupcakes and walks you to school.”
Grace laughed and covered her mouth to stifle the sound. “I live way too far to walk. Samantha Green’s mom makes everyone a cape for Halloween. Do you know how to sew?”
“Nope. I pretty much blow in the good-mother category.” Lexi looked down at her daughter, feeling loss yawn inside of her.
“I wish I had a chipmunk,” Grace said. “I’d let you play with it.”
Lexi couldn’t help laughing. “That would be cool.”
“Daddy says chipmunks aren’t pets, but I think they could be,” Grace added, laughing. She immediately covered her mouth.
Lexi gently pulled Grace’s hand away from her mouth. “Don’t ever be afraid to laugh, Gracie.”
Grace looked up at Lexi through hopeful eyes.
Lexi knew she would always remember this moment, and if she were lucky, and she didn’t do anything to screw it up, maybe Grace would remember it, too.
She took the sapphire ring off her finger and offered it to Grace. “I’d like you to have this, Grace.”
“It’s a grownup ring.”
“Maybe your dad can put it on a chain so you can wear it as a necklace until it fits you.”
“It’s really pretty.”
“Not as pretty as you are, Princess.”
“That’s what my daddy calls me. Why are you giving me this? It’s not my birthday.”
Lexi swallowed hard. “I need to leave, Grace. I thought. It doesn’t matter what I thought. I was wrong to come here. I’m not ready.”
“Ready for what?”
Lexi couldn’t say it out loud. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, though. That’s what I want you to remember. And I’ll write every week and call as much as I can. Okay?”