Lexi felt those two words crash into her again. She stumbled. “I know…”
“I used to feel her, you know. She was always humming inside my head. Now … now…” He looked up. When he saw her, his eyes filled with tears. “It’s quiet.”
She limped over to the bed and took him in her arms as best she could with one arm and a broken rib. Every breath hurt, but she deserved it. “I’m so sorry, Zach.”
He turned away from her, as if he couldn’t bear to look at her face anymore. “Go away, Lexi.”
“I’m sorry, Zach,” she said again, hearing the smallness of those words. She’d held them in her hands like a fragile flower, thinking they would bloom somehow when she offered them to him; how na?ve she’d been.
Jude came into the room, carrying Mia’s purse and a can of Coke.
“I’m sorry,” Lexi stammered, trying to stop her stupid, useless tears. Failing.
Then her aunt was beside her, taking hold of her hand. “Come away, Alexa. This is not the time.”
“Sorry?” Jude said dully, as if she’d just processed Lexi’s apology. “You killed my Mia.” Her voice broke on that. “What is sorry supposed to mean to me?”
Lexi felt her aunt stiffen, straighten. “This from the woman who knew her children were going to drink and gave them car keys. I’m sorry, but Lexi is not the only one responsible here.”
Jude drew back as if she’d been slapped.
“I’m sorry,” Lexi said again, letting her aunt pull her away. When she finally dared to turn back around, Jude was still there, standing beside Zach’s bed, clinging to her daughter’s purse.
“Oh, no,” Eva said, coming to a stop.
Lexi was crying so hard, she could hardly tell what was going on around her. She felt Eva’s grip on her wrist tighten. “What’s wrong?” she whispered, not really caring. She glanced down the hallway. His door was closed now.
“Look,” Eva said.
Lexi turned, wiped her eyes.
A police officer was standing outside her room.
Eva held Lexi’s hand as they walked down the hallway. At their approach, the officer straightened. He pulled a small notepad out of his shirt pocket. “Are you Alexa Baill?”
“I am,” Lexi said.
“I have a few questions for you. About the accident,” he said, uncapping his pen.
Eva looked up at him. “I may work at Walmart, sir, but I watch Law and Order every week. Alexa will be getting an attorney. He’ll tell her what questions she can answer.”
*
Jude shut the door. She was shaking so hard it took a real effort to hold on to the knob and pull.
“Mom?”
She heard her son’s voice, heard the pain in it, and she moved automatically to his bedside.
It was where she was supposed to be, where she belonged. So she stood there, holding Mia’s purse and pretending to be whole. But every time she looked down at the quilted pink leather in her hands, she thought of the stuffed puppy Mia had loved, Daisy Doggy, and the footed jammies she’d worn as a child and the color her daughter’s cheeks had been yesterday …
“It’s my fault, not Lexi’s,” Zach said miserably.
“No, it’s…” Jude’s voice broke like an old twig, snapped into quiet. She wondered dully if she’d ever be able to look at Zach again without wanting to cry. It was all so tangled up—her memories of Mia were inextricably bound with images of Zach. Her babies. Her twins. But now there was only the one, and when she looked at him, all she saw was the empty space beside him where Mia should have been.
She wanted to say the right thing to him, but she didn’t know what that was anymore, and she was so exhausted. She couldn’t put her words through a mill and crank out smaller, prettier versions. It took every scrap of courage she had just to stand here, to stand by him and pretend he’d done nothing terrible and pretend they would all be fine.
“How?” he said, looking at her through green eyes swimming in tears.
Mia’s eyes.
“How what?”
“I was the designated driver but I drank. It’s my fault. How do I get through this?”
Jude had no answer for him.
“Tell me,” he cried. “You always tell me what to do.”
“But you don’t always listen, do you?” The words were out before she could stop them. She should have taken them back, at least wished them back, but she was too broken right now to care.