For two hours every afternoon, we are apart and it’s excruciating. He’s in the auditorium playing director, and I’m backstage babysitting. It’s odd to see all the normal people treating me like a normal person. I am not a normal person. I’m Leo Vance’s girlfriend.
“Mrs. Hamilton,” Savanah asks, “are we practicing the market scene today?” I don’t know, I think. I don’t even know what day it is. It hasn’t even been a week since Leo became my lover, and I’m in a fog that I don’t want lifted.
Kate is helping me corral the kids and calls them out in groups to get outfitted for costumes. I let her take over. “I have never seen you like this,” she says.
“Like what?” As if I don’t know.
“Giddy. Loose. Spacey.”
“I am all of those things.”
“So like, what’s the plan? He’s staying a couple of weeks and then leaving after the first performance?”
“Well, that’s what he said before, but now I don’t know. We don’t talk about it, but he kind of talks like he’s staying. Like there’s more than this.” Her look of concern is hard to ignore. “I’m totally delusional, aren’t I?”
“No, my friend, you are in love. We just don’t see what the happy ending looks like yet.” She puts her arm around me and gives me a squeeze.
* * *
? ? ?
Sometimes I leave the kids with Kate so that I can stand at stage left and watch Leo direct. First of all, I just like looking at him. And if I’m lucky I’ll catch his eye and he’ll shoot me a look that makes me shiver. I also like to see Leo doing what he does, trying to teach the kids about acting. He takes the whole thing so seriously.
Leo seems to think that Oliver is phoning it in. He’s squatting down in front of Ty Jackson’s unusually small frame and looking him right in the eye. “I need you to get into Oliver’s head.”
Ty just stares at him. “His head?”
“I need you to imagine his circumstances. You have no parents, no home.”
“I have a swimming pool,” Ty tells him.
“You do. But Oliver doesn’t. I need you to imagine your parents are gone and you have nothing but the clothes you are wearing right now. You don’t have a blanket to keep you warm. Not one single friend.” Twelve other cast members look on as Ty closes his eyes and tries to imagine. Twelve other cast members are horrified when Ty bursts into tears.
Leo puts his arms around Ty. “That’s it. Use that in this next scene.”
I rush out and say, “Let’s take a little break.” Too far, I mouth to Leo.
When the kids are getting picked up from rehearsal, Leo walks Ty out to find his mother. The kids and I stay a few feet behind, as if this is either highly personal or highly professional and we shouldn’t be seeing.
“Hey, I’m Leo,” he says, sticking his hand out to Ty’s mom, who seems to be unable to control her smile. “I think I owe Ty here an apology, and I wanted you to know.”
“What? Oh, I’m sure he’s fine. We just can’t get over the fact that you’re directing this play. Never in a million years.” Ty has both of his arms around his mom’s waist.
“I made him cry. And I’m really sorry.” To Ty, “You’re such a good actor, I forgot you’re ten. Forget all that stuff I said, okay? You were doing it perfect before.”
Ty lets go of his mom and hugs Leo. “Okay,” he says.
* * *
? ? ?
“You’ve just got to own up,” Leo says at dinner, gnawing on a chicken bone. “If you do it enough, it’s not even that hard. ‘I blew it, I’m sorry.’ It’s not such a big deal.”
“I really thought Ty was going to lose it,” says Arthur.
“It’s the only way. When you screw up, you’ve got to make it right,” says Leo. “This is my dad’s favorite thing to talk about—personal responsibility. If you own up to not being perfect, life gets easier. And let’s face it, I was totally off base. I don’t know anything about kids. You guys are the only kids I know.”
I wonder if my kids are thinking about Ben. I wonder if they ever noticed how he’d double down on every misstep just to avoid admitting he was wrong. I hope they can’t see on my face how absolutely in love with Leo I am in this moment. I hope that, while I can no longer be saved from myself, they are taking this at face value: We have a nice houseguest who’s helping with the play and sharing his worldview. But I have to admit that the four of us around the kitchen table feels like something much more than that.