“I know.” A panic welled up in her chest. She wasn’t used to being the confronted. “Like I said, I am really sorry. Some stuff came up and I got overwhelmed and shouldn’t have just disappeared like that.”
“I texted you. I called you. You couldn’t reply? Not even to just say you were okay? Because at first I was worried.”
“Oh,” she said. It hadn’t occurred to her that he would be worried. It had been so long since she had tried to have anything resembling a real relationship, accountability had not occurred to her.
“But then after the second day went by, I decided I had been wrong about you and that you were just a dick.”
She started to feel mad, or maybe it was frustrated. “I’m not a dick. I just have some crazy stuff happening. I told you I had that fight…” She censored herself, lest she have to then explain herself to her tía, who was feigning disinterest. Poorly.
“Look. I told you when I let you into my house that no one had been there for eight years. Do you know how that feels to open up to somebody and then have them ghost you?”
“I didn’t ghost you.” She paused. “I never thought we weren’t going to talk again.”
There was a moment of silence.
“You know, Olga, you’re not the only one with abandonment issues. You know that, right? My pops bounced, too. I’d have thought you of all people would understand how fucked up it feels. To be waiting by the phone.”
Olga felt sick. She did know. Too well. She just hadn’t thought about it like that. She suddenly wanted to cry.
“Matteo. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t call you because I didn’t even know where to start. Not because I’m not interested in you. And I promise when I see you, I’ll explain as much as I can.”
She waited for him to say something. He was on the street. She could hear traffic and his breathing.
“Olga, I really dig you. You obviously know that. I haven’t been trying to hide it. But I don’t know that I have this in me.”
“What?” she said, genuinely shocked.
“I don’t know if I can mentally handle a hurt like that. You have to understand. I thought that I could try, but this just got me thinking.…”
“But what about Saturday?” The high pitch of her voice surprised her. Even Tía Lola couldn’t pretend to not be listening anymore, lowering the volume of the radio.
“Mabel’s wedding,” Matteo said, with a bit of a sigh. “Look. Olga, I’m not the kind of guy to show up and meet a girl’s family if I’m not trying to be serious. But how can I take you seriously if you treat me like I’m disposable?”
Her stomach became a lead ball dropping down into the car seat. She felt sick and dumb for thinking that this would be no big deal. That she could just say sorry and he’d just shrug it off. This was more than about losing a date for the wedding. She felt scared of losing this chance. At something. With a real someone. She was so angry with herself.
“I’ll never do this to you again,” she blurted out. “I’m just very, very out of practice here. Please, have patience with me. I can do this. I take you seriously.”
There was quiet on his end, and in the moment Olga composed herself, her tactical brain taking over.
“Look, Matteo,” she continued, gently. “You’re a grown man. You know yourself. And you’re right, this was bullshit. But, on the other side, if this is something real, should one fuck-up spell total doom? Don’t commit one way or the other right now. Don’t decide during this call. I’ll text you the information and if you believe I can do better—that I will do better—you come. Okay?”
“Okay,” he eventually replied, and they both waited a second before they hung up.
A heaviness filled the car. Olga stared straight ahead and raised the volume on the radio, but her aunt quickly leaned forward and lowered it again.
“？Y quién es?” she asked, knowing her niece well enough to avoid eye contact while she pried.
“This guy. I … I like him. And I was going to bring him to the wedding, but I think I fucked up.”
Her aunt raised her eyebrows and patted Olga’s knee. “Okay … well, nena, we all mess up sometimes. I’m sure he’ll give you another chance. You can be very persuasive.”
Olga sighed. They were on the Belt Parkway now and the sight of the bay was soothing. She lowered the window to inhale the saline breeze and hoped her aunt was right.