That isn抰 what I think…is it?
I frown.
There may be a whisper of truth to what she said, a wild possibility gnawing at my mind, but it抯 not that serious.
揇id Troy tell you that too??I hold my breath, hoping like hell my supposed friend isn抰 that stupid.
揘o,?she mouths. 揑 think you抮e just on edge. You always were about what happened with Mom, and then with me… It sent your paranoia into overdrive.?
I start to shake my head, but stop because it抯 true.
She抯 right, even if I haven抰 admitted it to myself.
Fucking hell.
Nothing about the last ten years of my life sits well with me, and I抦 not sure why. Maybe it抯 all nerves and adrenaline and paranoid delusions after all.
揂lso, I抦 not dumb. I didn抰 need anyone to tell me all that, Dad. Uncle Troy just helped put things into perspective and like, clarified my own thoughts.?
Did he?
I抎 like to clarify a few things for him梡ossibly with my fist.
揌ow did this come up, Dess??
Her face tightens. 揧ou抳e always said how strange it was that she was wandering around at night. You always said nobody goes to the beach in their heels棓
揧eah.?
揧eah, so, it doesn抰 take a mastermind to figure out what you抮e not saying. You still think something happened to Mom. Something that wasn抰 an accident, or棓 She stops before she says suicide. 揃ut you抳e let it get to your head. You way overreacted with Eliza梱ou were unhinged梐nd all because you can抰 let go of this weird idea that something happened to Mom. She was crazy, Dad. Clinically depressed or whatever, yeah, but crazy. And now you抮e afraid something awful will happen to me.?
I consider my next words carefully.
揧our mom was a lot of things, Destiny, but I wouldn抰 call her insane.?
揝he took her own life!?she whispers sharply, her eyes searching mine. 揧ou know she did. Sane people don抰 kill themselves. It hurts. I hate that she did it. I hate that she couldn抰 get better. I hate that nobody stopped her. But I accept it梐nd I just don抰 get why you can抰？？
揧our mom was no angel. Hell, Aster could be pretty self-absorbed sometimes.?My jaw tightens before I continue. 揝till, this suicide doesn抰 make sense with anything she ever said or did. You probably don抰 remember much, but棓
揇ad, I remember a lot more than you think. Mom was acting weird that whole week. She fired my latest nanny and left me with the housekeeper. Kalani and I didn抰 mind. She fed me Hawaiian wedding cake cookies and taught me how to juice pineapple and do laundry.?Destiny bites her lip and looks away. 揑 feel really bad about saying this…but she was more fun than Mom.?
揑t抯 okay to be honest,?I say, looking down as I throw an arm around her shoulders.
揧eah, well, Mom was running in and out all week. Way more than usual, I think, and always saying she had some wellness class or yoga thing. Then one day she slipped out without ever slipping back in.?
I study her sad eyes, trying to decide how much of this memory is real, and what parts were invented to cope with a brutal loss.
揥hat? Why are you looking at me like that??she asks.
揑 took you to a child psychologist not long after it happened. You got so quiet on us I knew you were hurting. The doctor had you draw a lot.?I pause, smiling dryly at the memory. 揧ou drew your mother as an angel once. She gave you toys and watched you play. We tried talking about therapy and I checked her work with a few other shrinks. They all agreed you didn抰 have any concrete memories of losing your mother, besides her leaving and not coming back. You didn抰 have deep memories beyond playing with her, having her do your hair, things like that.?
揑 don抰 remember much,?she agrees. 揑 used to think I mentally blocked her out. But when I was talking to Troy, I remembered bits and pieces of that last week she was alive…？
Why did he put his goddamned mouth where it doesn抰 belong?
揌e stayed with us for about a week before it happened, but I don抰 think Troy was around enough to know all of that.?I made a point to be home with my family when I wasn抰 working. I never knew Aster left Destiny alone with Kalani.
揑t doesn抰 matter. The point is, the cops told you their theories. The investigator told you it was suicide, right? Case closed. Can we just cry it out one more time and move on??
Something she just said catches my attention.
My body tenses like an arrow.
I抦 almost afraid I know the answer to the next question before I ask, 揥ho told you that??
揥hat??
揟hat my PI said it was a suicide.?
She stares at me. 揑 told you. Uncle Troy said棓
揟here. Right there.?The words come out like bullets. 揑 never told Troy what the investigator found. He couldn抰 have known that.?