She doesn抰 even like warm beaches since our shared nightmare.
When she was seven, I tried to take her for a vacation. I knew better than to try Hawaii again, and honestly, it left a foul taste in my mouth, too.
Aster would never win any awards for mother and wife of the year. She was young and beautiful and temperamental as hell. She damn sure didn抰 deserve that final swim.
Maybe we were destined for divorce if she抎 lived a few more years, but she had her whole life to change as a person. As a mother, for Dess.
Until she didn抰。
With Hawaii becoming a graveyard, we went to Thailand instead. Picturesque white-gold beaches and a rich cultural history.
My little bee had to be coaxed out of the hotel room perched above the gentle rolling waves. She screamed bloody murder when I finally tried to lead her to the beach.
My gut churns as that conversation flashes in my head.
揥hat抯 wrong??
揑…I just miss Mommy.?
揗e too, sweetheart.?
She stabs her little hand out, pointing at the ocean. 揥hat if it takes me like it did Mama, Daddy??
I抦 about to tell her it won抰。 Promise her I抣l never let that happen梑ut before I can, she gasps. Her eyes overflow with tears.
揥hat if it takes you? Who will I live with then? Mrs. Kate??
揔atelyn will always be there for you, honey, but I抦 not going anywhere.?I walk over, bend down, and lift her up. She抯 almost too big for this, but right now, neither of us care. 揥e walk on the beach at home all the time, Dessy. What抯 so different here??
揑t抯 not the same. That beach has seals and rocks and it抯 cold if you dip your toes in the water. We don抰 swim there. This beach has…the stupid trees that don抰 even have real leaves. Everything is hot, and it棓 She trails off, pointing at the ocean again. 揑t wants to suck you to the bottom. It wants to pull and pull and drown you and never let you go!?
She shakes against my chest.
I hold her until she抯 breathing again and her rough sobs fade.
Okay, fuck. So the beach is a no-go.
揇o you want to see the temple instead? It抯 supposed to be impressive,?I whisper softly.
?no.?
揥hat do you want to do then, baby girl? Tell me.?
揥atch Disney.?
And that抯 how most of the trip went. Aside from a few excursions into town to check out cultural landmarks and feast on street food, we holed up in the hotel room watching movies.
I never tried to take Destiny to a warm beach again.
Yeah, I抦 in for an interesting conversation梐nd a heart-wrenching one.
I need to figure out what the hell to say to feel her out, to be sure I抦 not bringing her back to a place that抯 too damaging.
揌ere we are, Mr. Lancaster,?Tom calls, looking at me in the rearview mirror.
We抮e pulling up to my house and my insides feel like stone.
If I抦 lucky, she抣l be preoccupied with her phone.
Then I抣l have a few more minutes to rehearse some combination of words that will make her okay with visiting the place where our lives grew darker.
Half an hour later, with a boulder in my throat, I tap on Destiny抯 door.
揅ome in!?
I push her door open and step inside.
揇ad, look! Solid A on the job shadowing presentation.?She taps her phone, holding up a scorecard from the school.
揥ay to go, brainiac. The presentation looked good梞inus the purple people eater color scheme. If you抮e ever working in an office, it抣l have to be more neutral.?
揙h, blah. Can抰 you just be happy about my A??She makes a face.
揑 always am,?I say gently.
揥hat抯 up, anyway??
I sit down on her bed. 揑 need to take a business trip in the next couple days. I抣l be gone at least a solid week, maybe two.?
She puts her phone down. 揃usiness trip? Where are we going??
I pause. 揟hat抯 just it. Kate抯 willing to stay behind to look after you. She抣l check in frequently here.?
Her eyes widen. 揌uh? But you always take me with unless it抯 overseas and I抦 in the middle of school… It抯 summer.?
I nod. 揑 do, but this time, I have to go to Hawaii棓
I抦 not sure what I抦 expecting.
Dead silence. Repressed tears. A look of utter disgust.
Instead, she just looks at me and laughs.
揙kay? So I抦 not good enough for paradise??
I smile thoughtfully. 揧ou抮e telling me you love warm beaches now? Since when??
She looks down, picking at a loose thread on her jeans.
揌ow would you know? I mean, you haven抰 even taken me to one since I was a kid.?
揇estiny, you抮e more than welcome to come if you want, but this could be a hard trip for you. I need you to understand that. Think it through. I抦 dealing with important business. If we get there and you抮e miserable, I can抰 just duck out early this time to be with you.?