Eric wraps his arms even tighter around me. He brings his face close to mine. “I know now,” he says.
History, memory is by definition fiction. Once an event is no longer present, but remembered, it is narrative. And we can choose the narratives we tell—about our own lives, our own stories, our own relationships. We can choose the chapters we give meaning.
Carol was an incredible mother. She was also flawed and complicated and a woman, just like me. One summer does not make that untrue. One summer is one summer. It can be a watercolor of beach days. It can change your life.
“Let’s go home,” I tell Eric. “I want to call Andrea. I even think I might miss La Scala.”
He smiles. He kisses my cheek. “There’s just one thing I think you may want to do first.”
Chapter Thirty-One
It’s barely sunrise when we take the boat out. It’s just me and an older gentleman named Antonio. “He’s the best; we’ve been working with him forever,” Monica told me when she arranged it.
I had to fight the urge to tell her I knew.
Eric is asleep in bed. We decided to stay, to spend an extra few days together in Italy. It’s been wonderful.
I toss on a pair of shorts, a T-shirt, and a sweatshirt; grab my bag; and pad down to the dock. The boat is waiting.
We pull away from the marina, Positano behind us, still shadowed in the time between days.
The day is warm, but the combination of the water and the speed makes me pull my sweatshirt tighter around me. The wind whips by; the sea caps dance strangely in the darkness.
When we get close to the rocks, Antonio cuts the engine. We bob in our little vessel; the three rocks like monuments before us rise out of the sea. Testaments to the resilience of the past, nature, perhaps the gods themselves. How many people have gazed upon these rocks? How many people have kissed underneath their archway?
Thirty years of happiness.
I nod to Antonio. I remove the small tin container from where it sits secured between my legs. I screw off the top.
“I brought her ashes,” Eric had said. “I thought you might want to do something with them here.”
As we near the rocks, the sun begins to crest, break. The dawn awakens around us; the smallest crack of sunlight gives way to more and more and more light. Every day the world is born again. Every day the sun rises. It is a miracle, I think. A simple, everyday miracle. Life.
We move forward, bobbing on the ocean. And it’s then that I take out the letter. The one that has sat in the vault for days, for thirty years.
I thread my finger along the edge, breaking the long-held seal. And then I open it, uncurl the paper, and read what is scrolled there in her own calligraphy.
My darling Katy, my baby girl—Italy is so beautiful. It reminds me of you. How happy everyone is in the morning, how the stars come out at night. I know I am not there, and I hope someday to explain to you why. I hope so many things for you, baby girl. I hope you walk through the world knowing your value. I hope you find a passion—something you love, something that lights you up inside. I hope you find the peace and confidence it takes to trust where your path leads. Remember, it is only yours. Others can wave and cheer, but no one can give you directions. They have not been where you are going. I hope you’ll understand someday that just because you become a mother doesn’t mean you stop being a woman. And above all else, I hope you know that even if you can’t see me, I am always with you.
Forever,
Your Mama
I fold the note in my hand, now dotted with water, and tuck it back inside its envelope. But then I feel it is not the only thing in there. There is a slim photograph. I pull it out. It’s of Carol, laughing in the marina. Her face is turned slightly from the camera, and the sun is setting behind her. She is bathed in light. A whole memory, I think.
And then the archway is upon us. I bring the tin to my lips. I kiss the top of it. And then as we move through, shadowed by rock, I empty it out the side of the boat. I watch as the dust descends into the water, scattered on the breeze.
She is everywhere, I think. She is all around us.
And then just like that, we are through the archway and the tin is empty. I feel a sinking hollow in my stomach, the recognition of completion. The understanding that she is gone now. She will not be waiting for me at the hotel, and she will not be home in Brentwood. She will not arrive through the front door of my home, unannounced, with produce from the farmers market. She will not leave fifteen second voicemails on my machine. She will not call. She will not hold me anymore, her arms enveloping me in her certainty, her presence. There is so much life ahead to lead without her, and she is gone.