‘I wish you were here, Dad.’
‘I know, bud. Me too. More than I can say.’
‘I should have told you about him, shouldn’t I?’
I dash my hand over my eyes. ‘No. You did the right thing, son. Some things are just too grown up for you to have to deal with, and this is one of those things, okay? I’m so sorry you had to worry about this on your own.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ he says, quick, fury shaking his voice up an octave. ‘It’s Mom’s. And Robert’s.’
‘Hey now, listen. I know you’re mad, and trust me, it’s okay to feel mad, but don’t go making your mom feel like a bad person. You know how much she loves you. We both do, more than anything or anyone.’
‘They were kissing in the kitchen,’ he says, spilling his secret out hot and fast. ‘I came in to grab some juice and saw them.’
It’s rusty nails through my heart. I built that kitchen. Danced Susie around the island when she told me she was pregnant with Nate. Dunked the kids in the sink when they were tiny and banged up their knees.
‘I know your mom wouldn’t have wanted you to find out that way,’ I say, low and soothing as I can manage from thousands of miles away. ‘Talk to her, she’s probably feeling even worse about things than you are.’
‘But, Dad …’ His voice catches. ‘I don’t want Robert. I want you.’
Sometimes being a parent is the best job in the world and sometimes it’s the hardest. ‘Bud, you don’t have to choose between anyone. You’ll always have me and you’ll always have your mom, regardless of who else is in the picture too.’
‘Promise?’
‘I absolutely promise,’ I say. ‘I’ll see you really soon.’
‘Remember we’re going to the lake tomorrow,’ Leo says. ‘If you can’t get me, that’s why.’
‘I remember,’ I say. Susie’s folks are all heading to the lake for a couple weeks of family time, a tradition I’ve always been part of. Is Robert tagging along? The question slides under my skin like grease, even though my rational brain knows the answer. Susie’s a good mom and I’m pretty tight with her family; there’s no way she’d have them meet Robert at the family vacation. The selfish part of my heart is glad they’re being forced apart for a while.
‘No more worrying, okay?’ I say. ‘It’s all going to be fine.’
I don’t think I’ve ever told a bigger lie in my life.
‘Love you, Dad,’ he says. I can hear from his relieved voice that he’s more settled, the weight has lifted from his shoulders. I’m glad to carry it.
‘Have fun at the lake,’ I say. ‘Be careful. Tell your brother the same.’
‘I will,’ he says.
‘Say hi to your grandma and Walt for me.’ Susie’s father is known to everyone as Walt, even to Susie.
‘Okay,’ he says.
The temptation to keep him on the line for as long as I can is strong. ‘Listen, it’s night-time here and I’m so cold I can’t feel my nose, so I better scoot.’
‘Me too,’ he says. ‘Mom’s nagging me to find my swim shorts.’
‘You’re sure gonna need them at the lake,’ I say.
‘Love you, Dad,’ he says, again.
‘Love you more,’ I say.
I hear his soft laugh through the phone, and I laugh back, devastated.
Cleo
19 October
Salvation Island
I FEEL LIKE WINONA RYDER
‘I’m thinking of a beach birth.’ Delta nudges her elbow into my ribs and sends me a sly wink. ‘Like a mermaid.’
Across from the sofa we’re lounging on, Dolores lifts her eyes slowly from her knitting needles and stares at her daughter. ‘You’ll do no such thing, Delta Sweeney.’
‘I wonder how mermaids give birth.’ Brianne grins, a completed pink pom-pom hat in her hands. ‘Through their belly button?’
Delta raises her eyebrows. ‘Maybe the more important question here, Bree, is how did the baby get in there in the first place? A merman?’
‘Girls, please.’ Dolores binds off the apple-green square she’s just knitted and adds it to the communal box. ‘That’s quite enough of that kind of talk.’
‘I saw Aquaman at the cinema,’ I say, comfortable enough now to join in. ‘He was colossal, and he had a really shiny trident.’
Brianne catches my eye across the coffee table, trying not to laugh.