I was more touched by the events of the last twenty-four hours, when he had suddenly admitted me to his emotions and his personal life, warts and all. If he felt as much for me as I thought perhaps he did, what would he feel if I suddenly disappeared? The remnants of physical discomfort receded as I grappled with these uncomfortable thoughts.
We were within three miles of Bargrennan when Jamie suddenly broke the silence.
"I havena told you how my father died," he said abruptly.
"Dougal said he had a stroke—an apoplexy, I mean," I said, startled. I supposed that Jamie, alone with his thoughts as well, had found them dwelling on his father as a result of our earlier conversation, but I could not imagine what led him to this particular subject.
"That's right. But it… he…" He paused, considering his words, then shrugged, abandoning carefulness. He drew a deep breath and let it out. "You should know about it. It's to do with… things." The road here was wide enough to ride easily abreast, provided only that we kept a sharp eye out for protruding rocks; my excuse to Dougal about my horse had not been chosen at random.
"It was at the Fort," Jamie said, picking his way around a bad patch, "where we were yesterday. Where Randall and his men took me from Lallybroch. Where they flogged me. Two days after the first rime, Randall summoned me to his office—two soldiers came for me, and took me from the cells up to his room—the same where I found you; it's how I knew where to go."
"Just outside, we met my father in the courtyard. He'd found out where they'd taken me, and come to see if he could get me out some way—or at least to see for himself that I was all right."
Jamie kicked a heel gently into his horse's ribs, urging it on with a soft click of his tongue. There was no trace of daylight yet, but the look of the night had changed. Dawn could be no more than an hour away.
"I hadna realized until I saw him just how alone I'd felt there—or how scairt. The soldiers would not give us any time alone together, but at least they let me greet him." He swallowed and went on.
"I told him I was sorry—about Jenny, I meant, and the whole sorry mess. He told me to hush, though, and hugged me tight to him. He asked me was I hurt badly—he knew about the flogging—and I said I'd be all right. The soldiers said I must go then, so he squeezed my arms right, and told me to remember to pray. He said he would stand by me, no matter what happened, and I must just keep my head up and try not to worrit myself. He kissed my cheek and the soldiers took me away. That was the last time I ever saw him."
His voice was steady, but a little thick. My own throat felt tight, and I would have touched him if I could, but the road narrowed through a small glen and I was forced to fall back behind him for a moment. By the time I came alongside again he had composed himself.
"So," he said, taking a deep breath, "I went in to see Captain Randall. He sent the soldiers out, so we were alone, and offered me a stool. He said my father had offered security for my bond, to have me released, but that my charge was a serious one, and I could not be bonded without a written clearance signed by the Duke of Argyll, whose boundaries we were under. I reckoned that was where my father was headed, then, to see Argyll.
"In the meantime, Randall went on, there was the matter of this second flogging I was sentenced to." He stopped a minute, as though uncertain how to go on.
"He… was strange in his manner, I thought. Verra cordial, but with something under it I didna understand. He kept watching me, as though he expected me to do something, though I was just sitting still.
"He half-apologized to me, saying he was sorry that our relations had been so difficult to the present, and that he wished the circumstances had been different, and so on." Jamie shook his head. "I couldna imagine what he was talking about; two days earlier, he'd been trying his best to beat me to death. When he finally got down to it, though, he was blunt enough."
"What did he want, then?" I asked. Jamie glanced at me, then away. The dark hid his features, but I thought he seemed embarrassed.
"Me," he said baldly.
I started so violently that the horse tossed its head and whickered reproachfully. Jamie shrugged again.
"He was quite plain about it. If I would… ah, make him free of my body, he'd cancel the second flogging. If I would not—then I'd wish I'd never been born, he said."
I felt quite sick.
"I was already wishing something of the sort," he said, with a glint of humor. "My belly felt as though I'd swallowed broken glass, and if I hadna been sitting, my knees would have knocked together."