"Is that so?" he answered, stroking my back. "I didna know that."
I must have fallen asleep, head on his shoulder, but roused briefly when he laid me gently on the floor, on a makeshift bed of blankets from the horse's saddleroll. He lay down beside me, and drew me close again.
"Lay your head, lass," he whispered. "In the morning, I'll take ye home."
We rose just before dawn, and were on the downward trail when the sun rose, eager to leave Craigh na Dun.
"Where are we going, Jamie?" I asked, rejoicing that I could look forward into a future that held him, even as I left behind the last chance of returning to the man who had—who would? once love me.
Jamie reined in the horse, pausing to look over his shoulder for a moment. The forbidding circle of standing stones was invisible from here, but the rocky hillside seemed to rise impassable behind us, bristling with boulders and gorse bushes. From here, the crumbling husk of the cottage looked like one more crag, a bony knuckle jutting from the granite fist of the hill.
"I wish I could have fought him for you," he said abruptly, looking back at me. His blue eyes were dark and earnest.
I smiled at him, touched.
"It wasn't your fight, it was mine. But you won it anyway." I reached out a hand, and he squeezed it.
"Aye, but that's not what I meant. If I'd fought him man to man and won, ye'd not need to feel any regret over it." He hesitated. "If ever—"
"There aren't any more ifs," I said firmly. "I thought of every one of them yesterday, and here I still am."
"Thank God," he said, smiling, "and God help you." Then he added, "Though I'll never understand why."
I put my arms around his waist and held on as the horse slithered down the last steep slope.
"Because," I said, "I bloody well can't do without you, Jamie Fraser, and that's all about it. Now, where are you taking me?"
Jamie twisted in his saddle, to look back up the slope.
"I prayed all the way up that hill yesterday," he said softly. "Not for you to stay; I didna think that would be right. I prayed I'd be strong enough to send ye away." He shook his head, still gazing up the hill, a faraway look in his eyes.
"I said 'Lord, if I've never had courage in my life before, let me have it now. Let me be brave enough not to fall on my knees and beg her to stay.' " He pulled his eyes away from the cottage and smiled briefly at me.
"Hardest thing I ever did, Sassenach." He turned in the saddle, and reined the horse's head toward the east. It was a rare bright morning, and the early sun gilded everything, drawing a thin line of fire along the edge of the reins, the curve of the horse's neck, and the broad planes of Jamie's face and shoulders.
He took a deep breath and nodded across the moor, toward a distant pass between two crags.
"So now I suppose I can do the second-hardest thing." He kicked the horse gently, clicking his tongue. "We're going home, Sassenach. To Lallybroch."
* * *
Part Five – Lallybroch
Chapter 26 - The Laird's Return
Chapter 27 - The Last Reason
Chapter 28 - Kisses and Drawers
Chapter 29 - More Honesty
Chapter 30 - Conversations by the Hearth
Chapter 31 - Quarter Day
Chapter 32 - Hard Labor
Chapter 33 - The Watch
* * *
26
The Laird's Return
At first, we were so happy only to be with each other and away from Leoch that we didn't talk much. Across the flat of the moor, Donas could carry us both without strain, and I rode with my arms about Jamie's waist, glorying in the feel of the sun-warmed muscle shifting under my cheek. Whatever problems we might be facing—and I knew there were plenty—we were together. Forever. And that was enough.
As the first shock of happiness mellowed into the glow of companionship, we began to talk again. About the countryside through which we were passing, at first. Then, cautiously, about me, and where I had come from. He was fascinated by my descriptions of modern life, though I could tell that most of my stories seemed like fairy tales to him. He loved especially the descriptions of automobiles, tanks, and airplanes, and made me describe them over and over, as minutely as I could. By tacit agreement, we avoided any mention of Frank. As we covered more countryside, the conversation turned back to our present time; Colum, the Castle, then the stag hunt and the Duke.
"He seems a nice chap," Jamie remarked. As the going became rougher, he had dismounted and walked alongside, which made conversation easier.
"I thought so too," I answered. "But—"