"I was lying on the floor, and he was lying next to me. He was naked by then, too, and both of us were smeared with blood—and other things. I remember trying to lift my head, and feeling my cheek stuck to the stone of the floor with dried blood." He frowned, a distant look in his eyes as he conjured the memory.
"I was far gone by then; so far that I didna even feel much pain—I was just terribly tired, and everything seemed far away and not very real."
"Just as well," I said, with some asperity, and he smiled briefly.
"Aye, just as well. I was drifting a bit, half-fainted, I expect, so I don't know how long we both lay there, but I came awake to find him holding me and pressing himself against me." He hesitated, as though the next part were difficult to say.
"I'd not fought him 'til then. But I was so tired, and I thought I couldna bear it again… anyway, I started to squirm away from him, not really fighting, just pulling back. He had his arms round my neck, and he pulled on me, and buried his face in my shoulder, and I could feel he was crying. I couldna tell what he was saying for a bit, and then I could; he was saying 'I love you, I love you,' over and over, with his tears and his spittle running down my chest." Jamie shuddered briefly, from cold or memory. He blew out a long breath, disturbing the cloud of fragrant smoke that swirled near the ceiling.
"I canna think why I did it. But I put my arms about him, and we just lay still for a bit. He stopped crying, finally, and kissed me and stroked me. Then he whispered to me, 'Tell me that you love me.' " He paused in the recital, smiling faintly.
"I would not do it. I dinna know why. By then I would ha' licked his boots and called him the King of Scotland, if he'd wanted it. But I wouldna tell him that. I don't even remember thinking about it; I just—wouldn't." He sighed and his good hand twitched, gripping the coverlet.
"He used me again—hard. And he kept on saying it: 'Tell me that you love me, Alex. Say that you love me.'"
"He called you Alex?" I interrupted, not able to hold back.
"Aye. I remember I wondered how he knew my second name. Did not occur to me to wonder why he'd use it, even if he knew." He shrugged.
"Anyway, I didna move or say a word, and when he'd finished, he jumped up as though he'd gone mad, and started to beat me with something—I could not see what—cursing and shouting at me, saying 'You know you love me! Tell me so! I know it's true!' I got my arms up over my head to protect it, and after a bit I must have fainted again, because the pain in my shoulders was the last I remember, except for sort of a dream about bellowing kine. Then I woke, jouncing along belly-down on a horse for a few moments, and then nothing again 'til I came round on the hearthside at Eldridge, with you looking down on me." He closed his eyes again. His tone was dreamy, almost unconcerned.
"I think… if I had told him that… he would have killed me."
Some people have nightmares peopled by monsters. I dreamed of genealogical charts, thin black branches, bearing clusters of dates on every stem. The lines like snakes, with death between the brackets of their jaws. Once again I heard Frank's voice, saying He became a soldier, a good choice for a second son. There was a third brother who became a curate, but I don't know much about him… I didn't know much about him, either. Only his name. There were the three sons listed on that chart; the sons of Joseph and Mary Randall. I had seen it many times: the oldest, William; and the second, Jonathan; and the third, Alexander.
Jamie spoke again, summoning me from my thoughts.
"Sassenach?"
"Yes?"
"Ye know the fortress I told ye of, the one inside me?"
"I remember."
He smiled without opening his eyes, and reached out a hand for me.
"Well, I've a lean-to built, at least. And a roof to keep out the rain."
I went to bed tired but peaceful, and wondering. Jamie would recover. When that had been in doubt, I had looked no further than the next hour, the next meal, the next administration of medicine. But now I needed to look further.
The abbey was a sanctuary, but only a temporary one. We could not stay here indefinitely, no matter how hospitable the monks. Scotland and England were too dangerous by far; unless Lord Lovat could help—a remote contingency, under the circumstances. Our future must lie on this side of the channel. Knowing what I now knew about Jamie's seasickness, I understood his reluctance to consider emigration to America—three months of nausea was a daunting prospect to anyone. So what was left?