I was forming a retort, but a doctor in a white coat entered.
Mom took a breath and pursed her lips. I took her hand again. We weren’t stay mad people, Mom and I, we were just get mad people. We learned this as we grew up together—it’s hard to stay angry at the person who is also your only entertainment.
“Cassandra?” the doctor asked, adjusting her glasses as she looked at a clipboard.
“Cassie,” I corrected.
“I’m Dr. Mangigian. So we’re here today because you lost consciousness?”
“Yeah. I got all shivery and blacked out.”
“Mm. Yeah. I’m looking at your chart here . . .” She paused and looked at me. “Do you find yourself having to frequently urinate?”
I thought of moments in traffic, or at band practice, when I would have to leave in the middle of a conversation, practically sprinting up Nora’s stairs. “Yes. I’ve always had a small bladder.”
“Do you experience thirst and hunger at a high degree?” I recalled chugging two Gatorades the other night, craving a third.
“Sometimes.” What was she getting at?
“Do you have a history of diabetes in your family?”
Mom and I looked at each other. I didn’t know. She rubbed my back. Her father had it, she told the doctor. And his sister.
“Well, we’re still waiting for the full workup to come back.” The doctor looked at both of us from behind her glasses. “But I believe we’re looking at a diagnosis of type two diabetes.”
Diabetes. The messages from my gut. I looked at the ceiling. “Okay. What does that mean?” I asked, trying to keep back whatever was snaking up my chest, the tears burning at the back of my eyes.
“Well, basically your pancreas doesn’t know how to break down sugar in your blood, so you might need to take insulin to help you do that. But insulin can also work too well. So you watch what you eat so you don’t get hypoglycemic. Or, like you might have done tonight, pass out from low blood sugar.”
“Is this—？” I blew out breath, trying to slow my speeding pulse. “Is this what it’s going to be like all the time now?” I thought of smiling at Nora, banging on the keys with everything I had. How I finally thought I’d had it, and it was being taken away.
“It will be a couple of days until the test results come in,” Dr. Mangigian continued. “And if that is the case, we’ll start you on treatments. With diet, exercise, and proper insulin intake, diabetes is totally manageable.”
I didn’t really do “managing” when it came to my body. As long as it let me fit into my jeans and have orgasms and sleep every once in a while, I let it do its thing. But hypoglycemic? Pancreas? I couldn’t even point to my pancreas. All this time, I thought my gut was my friend, and instead it was trying to kill me. “Any needles?”
The doctor laughed. Mom and I didn’t. “Occasionally. You may just have to monitor. And as I said, we still don’t know.”
“But it’s diabetes. That’s likely what it is?” Mom asked, her voice faint.
The doctor nodded. Mom squeezed my hand.
“The nurse will be back in to check on you and get your insurance information, and we’ll go from there.”
My throat seized. I didn’t have insurance. My true form. I was so stupid. “I might have to pay out of pocket.”
Mom sighed. “Just have the nurse give me the paperwork. I’ll cover this.”
I sat up in the bed, still dizzy. “No, Mom.”
“It’s okay, Cass. You’re not insured. What other option do we have?”
“No!” She still cut coupons. She was still paying off her leased Corolla on janitorial wages. She couldn’t afford an ambulance and an emergency room visit any more than I could. “No,” I repeated.
The doctor cleared her throat. “I’ll give you a minute.” She left.
“I’ve got the money,” I said to the ceiling. I wondered if Mom could tell I was lying. There was my final paycheck from the firm, and the money from tonight’s gig, but my share wouldn’t be nearly enough. It was supposed to go toward a studio session anyway. I lay back and closed my eyes. My insides were boiling. My body ran me now. As the tears rolled down, I could feel Mom reach over and wipe them away.
Luke
I kept the Lexus I borrowed from Frankie at forty miles an hour, even on the freeway. No music, no air-conditioning. I wanted it to be like I had never been there. The sooner Jake and I could talk, the longer we had to get to know each other again before I deployed.