They make more money.
They’re weirdly respected more—for God knows what reason, because the vast percentage of them are morons.
And they can stand up to pee every day, whereas women need to do the public-restroom hover so we don’t share butt sweat with other humans.
The least they can do is get their diddly-dong pierced.
Sheesh.
“Well, I’m pierced too,” I say.
“Is that so?” he asks with a raise of his brow, and that one look shows me he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying right now.
“Yup. Pierced my clit,” I say, pointing to my crotch. “Right there. All pierced up.”
“And what would the term be called, for getting your clit pierced?”
There are terms?
Uhh . . .
With all the confidence I can muster, I say, “I keep it unprofessional and just call it my clit knickknack. Easier that way, you know?”
The corner of his lip twitches. “I see. Clit knickknack, that’s . . . certainly unprofessional.”
“You know what they say . . .”
I have no end to that sentence. I honestly have no idea where I was going with that.
“No, what do they say?” Pike asks. I had a stroke of genius when it came to lying about my profession, but now, I’m struggling.
Thinking on the spot is hard, especially when you know the person is trying to trap you in a lie, and if you get angry, you know they will pinpoint the lie, and we can’t have that.
“Uh, they say . . . your clit, uh, your name.”
Wow, way to absolutely murder that, Cora.
Christ, you couldn’t have come up with something better?
“You know, I’m pretty sure my auntie has that saying cross-stitched on a pillow on her bed. Your clit, your name. Very eloquent.”
Okay, abort. This is a disaster.
There’s no salvaging this.
“Then I should be friends with your aunt. Seems like we’d get along swimmingly.”
He playfully bumps his shoulder against mine and says, “Maybe you can be my friend first, and then we can move on to my auntie.”
The bump.
The smile.
The sincerity.
It’s all bad news. It’s all taking a shot at the wall I’ve erected to keep this man at a safe distance. He’s attacking it brick by brick.
“You’re pushing your luck with this walk, but asking to be friends? Might as well ask for me to birth a unicorn.”
“I have no problem trying to help you out with that.” When I don’t respond, he adds, “You know, help impregnate you. Men from Surrey have been known to carry a little something extra in their sperm.”
I glance over at him. “Are you saying you have magic sperm?”
“It’s what I’ve been told.”
“Uh-huh, well, I’ve been told that the average size of the penis for an Englishman is three inches.”
“Bullshit,” he says so quickly that I almost bust out in laughter.
“Read it in a few places, you know, when I considered giving this marriage a shot. It was a brief second, but then I read that and thought, no way. Three inches doesn’t work for me. I’m not a penis snob by any means, but I have a deep cervix and I need the penis I’m married to, to be able to tantalize that.” I pat his shoulder and oh . . . boy, is that strong. “Sorry, but I think we should just call it quits now.”
“Funny, I didn’t know you were married to the average Englishmen. Being an educated woman like yourself, I’d assume instead of taking a fact from the Internet about penis size—a fact that’s entirely inaccurate—you’d go straight to the source to find out.”
“Let me guess, you want me to stick my hand down your pants again?” We make our way back to the apartment building. “You know, it’s quite vulgar for you to keep suggesting such a thing.”
“You’re my wife. It’s not vulgar at all.”
“You know, the term wife and husband when it comes to us should really have an asterisk next to it.”
“And what would the asterisk say?”
“Married by ways of Fireball.” Once again, damn you Fireball . . . damn you.
“If that’s the case, maybe I should buy some more. Maybe that will move this marriage along.”
I look up at him and ask, “And what exactly do you want to move this marriage along to?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Telling family and friends. Celebrating our nuptials.”
I legit laugh out loud, but when I see he doesn’t smirk or laugh too, I pause in our walk. “You’re serious? You want to announce this to friends and family?”