“I guess you’re wondering why I’m here,” she said. Buddy Lee flicked his tongue against the inside of his bottom lip.
“The thought had crossed my mind. I figured the next time I’d see you would be on Judgment Day,” he said. Christine tried to smile but it fell far short of her eyes.
“Thought you didn’t believe in God.”
“I don’t really. But who knows? Maybe I’ll start going to church and hedge my bets,” Buddy Lee said. Christine sniffed. The security lights in the park blinked on, and Buddy Lee saw the wet shine around Christine’s eyes.
“So, what’s up?” Buddy Lee said.
“Can we go inside?”
“I don’t know. It’s not the Town and Country style you’re used to,” Buddy Lee said.
“It’s bigger than the first trailer we had,” Christine said. That reference to their shared past knocked the breath out of him. After all these years he thought she’d probably had those memories scrubbed out of her mind. Made herself believe their years together were a bad dream. They certainly felt like a dream to Buddy Lee. Hazy, half-remembered visions of a person and a time he occasionally didn’t believe he’d ever been or had ever existed.
“Okay, come on,” Buddy Lee said. Christine followed him inside. He was sitting down on the couch when he realized he’d left his six-pack in the truck. Christine sat in the recliner.
“You want a beer? I can run back to the truck and get my six-pack,” Buddy Lee said.
“No, thank you. I was thinking about what you said. I know it appears I didn’t care about Derek, but I did. There were nights I stayed up all night praying for him to change. Praying to God to make me a better mother. If I was a better mother, he wouldn’t have been like he was. I failed him. I failed him in so many ways,” Christine said. Tears were running down her face.
“Hey, hey. You couldn’t change Derek. Nobody could. You won’t by yourself in that. When I was around I tried, too, but I’m of the mind nowadays he didn’t need to change. I mean, if he was still here, would it really matter to you who he was laying down with at night? Because it wouldn’t matter one goddamn bit to me,” Buddy Lee said. He felt his throat tighten.
“I … I don’t know. I mean he was my son. Our son. But what he was doing was wrong. I have to believe that. Because if I don’t, then everything I did was a mistake,” Christine said. She put her fist to her mouth and moaned.
“It was a mistake, Chrissy. We both made a lot of mistakes with him. He wasn’t abhorrent. He wasn’t sacrilegious. He was just Derek. That should’ve been enough for both of us,” Buddy Lee said. He said it with a tenderness he didn’t think himself capable of anymore. At least not with her.
“Gerald would disagree with you,” Christine said. Buddy Lee grunted.
“I know this might be hard to believe, but the great Gerald Culpepper isn’t always right,” Buddy Lee said. Christine laughed. It was a harsh bark. Buddy Lee scratched his chin.
“What?”
“You know the one thing I always liked about you? No matter what, you were real. There’s no phoniness with you, Buddy Lee. What you see is what you get. Even if what I got drove me crazy sometimes,” Christine said. Buddy Lee felt his face warming.
“If I could’ve faked it sometimes, maybe we would’ve made it,” Buddy Lee said with a smile. Christine didn’t give him one in return.
“I just left a party at my house where I’m fairly certain there is a woman my husband is screwing two times a month. It’s the kind of party I used to dream about attending when I was a little girl. Fancy silverware. Real plates. Not a Styrofoam cup in sight. Two live bands. The best food. The best liquor money can buy. Not that rotgut my daddy used to drink.” She shifted in her chair.
“I was standing next to one of the richest men in Virginia while he told a nasty joke about why Black men have such big dicks, as a Black woman served me another glass of prosecco. Gerald’s dad laughed at that joke so hard he started choking. All these rich sons of bitches at my house to celebrate the great Gerald Culpepper announcing that he’s going to give up his judgeship to run for governor. He says it’s because he wants to help people.” Christine’s voice began to quaver.
“And all I could think about was that none of these people here gave a damn about my son. My baby. Laying in his grave. Including me. So I left. I came to talk to the one person who knows how it feels. Even if we hated each other, we loved Derek. Didn’t we?” Christine asked.