“What’s a dead name?” Ike asked. Tangerine drew her legs up under her thighs.
“The name I was born with, not the name I chose,” Tangerine said.
“The pictures on the wall. Are they…？”
“That was before. Before I found myself,” Tangerine said.
“Oh. Okay,” Ike said.
“My daddy was half Black, half Mexican. All man, like my mama used to say. He caught me wearing my mama’s high heels one time. He punched me in my chest so hard I spit blood for three days. He made me walk in high heels the rest of the weekend. Around and around our house until my feet bled. Bleeding from my mouth, bleeding from my feet. Hurting all over. That was when I really knew,” Tangerine said.
“Knew what?” Ike asked.
“That they got it wrong when I was born. That I was always a girl. It was the people around me that wouldn’t accept it. All that shit he did to me and all I could think about was one day I’d find some heels that fit. Soon as I could, I got out of Bowling Green and headed for Richmond. Got into doing makeup and hair for people. That’s how I met Tariq. Did the makeup for a couple of his videos. We started hanging out and he started letting me tag along to parties. After a while the parties got fancier and fancier until one night we was at some ball for the city and I met Him there. Capital H. From the start it was different with Him. Like Tariq, he knew, but he never seemed like he could accept that he liked me. We’d do stuff, like not even sex stuff, just going out to the club, and then later he’d get high. Hurt himself, slap me around, then apologize. When I met Him, he went old-school and slipped me his number on a piece of paper. We got down a couple of times before I told him. I was so scared. You never know how a guy is gonna react. He didn’t care. That was the thing he always said. ‘I don’t care about what’s between your legs, just what’s in your heart.’” Tangerine took a breath.
“I’ve been the fucktoy before. This felt different. It was different. Oh, shit, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Maybe because I’ll probably be dead in a week and it don’t matter,” Tangerine said.
“That’s not gonna happen,” Ike said.
“Oh, you don’t think so?”
“No, I don’t,” Ike said.
“And why is that?”
“Because once you tell me who it is, I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna take my time and I’m gonna make it hurt. And I think you know I’m telling the truth, and I think that’s why you won’t tell me. Because you keep telling yourself you still love him,” Ike said. Tangerine didn’t say a word. She squeezed herself into a tight ball and put her chin on her knees. The truck hit a bump and she winced as her arm bumped against the door. She put her good hand to her face and trembled all over.
“I keep trying to tell you, you don’t understand. He cares about me. He can’t be who he really is. His family won’t let him. It’s complicated. He’s married. His family has this public persona that they’ll do anything to protect. You could never understand this. No one judges you because of who you love,” Tangerine said.
Ike gripped the steering wheel tight as a vise.
“I don’t know how many times I have to say this to you. He had my boy killed. Buddy Lee’s boy, too. He sent people to kill you and they killed your mama. That is who is he is. You think he loves you. I get that. But a man don’t hide what he loves. And he sure as hell don’t let a son of a bitch try to put her six feet under,” he said. Tangerine dug around in the pocket of the yoga pants.
“You hid from loving Isiah,” Tangerine said. Ike sucked at his teeth.
“I hid it from him. Not from anybody else. I gotta own that. I learning how to own it,” Ike said.
Tangerine licked her lips.
“Here, look at this. Read this and tell me he doesn’t care,” she said as she scrolled through her phone. When she found what she was looking for, she handed Ike the phone. She had pulled up a text message. The number she had been texting was saved in her phone as “W.” Ike flicked his eyes down at the phone as he scanned the black single-lane road that unspooled in front of him like an oil slick.
There is no one that understands me
The way you do. When we are together
I can be my full self. No masks. And yes
The sex is amazin
Ike handed her back her phone.
“Let me ask you a question. He talks real nice, but has he ever taken you anywhere besides a motel? Has he ever even taken you to the motel, or do you have to meet him there? Do you even have a picture together?” Ike asked.